Tuesday October 21st

I started out my day fairly hopeful, with my crackers and pills routine. I had a pretty good morning, then a worse afternoon. I felt so sick that I needed to lie down in my bed and not move or talk just in order to avoid throwing up (yes, I do have a container by my bed.) In some ways it was nice that the kids were at school and I got to rest or watch tv. The nausea, however, is tricky because when I am lying down, watching Lifetime movies from my dvr (and the dvd North and South, thanks Laurie!) I feel pretty well, so I get up and move my legs around, get some snacks, feed the dog, etc. The longer I stay up, the worse I feel and so it is back to bed, waiting for the anti-nausea drug to kick in.

It is hard not to get discouraged. I want to hope for a better life, but there are many things I miss doing that make me wonder if I will ever get to do them or enjoy them again. My whole world revolves around staying at home and going to visit doctors. I have one more week of the Xeloda to take (one tablet in the morning, one at night) and then I'll get a week off. Perhaps by then, my nausea will pass, but I feel that I have always been getting sicker and sicker and I don't know that anything else will be able to prevent the progression of my disease at this point.

It will be interesting to read about myself in the Daily Herald this Sunday. The are doing a series of articles about Breast Cancer and they will present my profile. I will be interested to know how the public will react to my situation as I'm including my blog address in the article. I like to read and it is fun to get comments from all of you, even some that I don't know as well as others. It is also a unique situation to be served by everyone, so much that I can barely care for my own needs, let alone those of my children. I have a friend doing my shopping tomorrow. My mother-in-law is taking the boys to the dentist in the afternoon. She is also taking me to another appointment on Thursday. The Relief Society is bringing us dinner and some freezer meals. I feel ok to stay home by myself. If I were to have bad pain, for example, I know now what pills to take or I Icould call a close by friend or neighbor. Much of the stress from our household is handled by David, who struggles between the role of father, husband and income provider. He has got the first two covered, but is struggling to build more job security and more income in this slow mortgage market. I wish he didn't have to work as long and that he had more time to share with me. Bye for now,
Emilee