Thank you to everone who reads and comments on my blog. I truly get inspiration from your words. I loved the penny story from Glen, especially. As for having faith, Cindy is so kind to say I inspire her, as I do have faith in God. My life is in his hands. I believe in the gospel of Christ, as I truly believe I can return to Him when my life on earch is done. Yet, I still have been crying off and on the last few days and I'm not sure why. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Mostly I think I am sad that I can't be well enough to take care of my children or to do anything very fun (exept go to the store and try not to spend too much..) Even then, I am worried about money and this huge bill hanging over our heads. Each year I must pay $3000 out of pocket before my insurance will ctart covereing everything at 100%. Iapplied twice for financial consideration in the spring and summer, but the clinic won't reduce my year 2008 bill. I have been making payments toward it. Now I am looking at the new year and realizing that I will soon have to meet another deductible and owe another$3000 starting on January 1st, 2009. I wish I didn't have to worry about money. I feel like I have enough to wowrry about right now when I am supposed to concentrating on getting better. David's work is going well, but his paychecks are sporatic: meaning he only gets paid when he closes a loan.
Another reason I am sad is because I haven't been able to get downstairs and work on my family scrapbooks. I would love to finish them, as all the books are now 2 years behind, but I don't know if I'll ever feel up to working on them. Most of the time my nausea prevents me from going out to dinner. David and I got to attend an informal dinner party for Sam Bushman and some of their friends and family (grown ups only). David broght over a copy of my newpaper article, so that was nice to be able to show it to people instead of telling each person what is going on. I was wearing my black cap, instead of my wig, so it was obvious that I had no hair. we stayed and visited, ate dinner and dessert, then I was ready to go home because I wasnt feelling well. I've been feeling really tired lately. It could be that my blood cells are low again. I've been taking a nap everyday and I even doze off while watching tv.
On the 18th I am scheduled for a CT exam of my chest and abdomen, so the Drl will be abel to tell if I had any impovement from this chemo medication or not.
I'm all dressed for church, so hopefully if I lie down just before it starts, I'll have the energy to go at least fpr sacrament meeting. I'm glad my mom is here to help our family. When I need to rest, I know the children are doing what they should (or at least trying.)
Emilee
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7 comments:
Hey Emilee,
I hope you got to make it to sacrament. I was having a hard morning this morning and sacrament turned it around. I think we all are given things in our lives that help us grow and right now mine is my calling. I am realizing over and over as I feel overwhelmed at the needs of the sisters, at my own inadequacies, and my human nature I am having to learn to mentally and physically turn things over to the Lord. It's a hard thing to learn I am finding out. The more I hold on the burden the more overwhelmed I feel. The more I turn it over to the Lord the more I feel peace, and hope. I know fear is combated with faith but it's so hard to put into action. In our Relief Society lesson today the teacher talked about the Willie Martin handcart company and how they gained their relationship with the Lord in their extremity. I’m trying to let my struggles bring me closer to the Lord, trying, easier said than done.
Dear Emilee,
Today's Relief Society lesson was on enduring trials. It made me think of you and what you are enduring. It also reminded me of some of my darkest moments during my cancer. During one particular procedure (having excess fluid drained from the sac around my lung with no pain meds), I practiced what I had always taught my Primary Merry Miss or young women. I pictured myself being cradled by the savior and gave up to Him all my pain. After that, I knew the Lord was with me, easing my way. There were so many times I felt His help and guidance during that period. Just look for His presence and the more you see it, the more you will have peace. I know that I have not said it well but if you ever need to talk, your mom has my number.
The definition of nadir is the opposite of zenith which is the highest. So nadir is the lowest. The lowest blood count is your nadir after which it starts to rise.
I'm glad your mom is there to help you. It was so difficult to accept that I could not be there for my daughter, Julie, as we were going through treatment at the same time in different cities. We did bond because of our experience. She chose to wear a bandana with a hat over it even at work as an executive at Disney. She said that it eliminated explanations since it was evident she was a cancer patient. She even had surgery in the same hospital where Walt Disney had cancer surgery decades ago. Julie came to visit me after her surgery and before my treatment started. She was able to go with me to my Dr. visit and 1st chemo treatment. My brain was not working so it was great. My husband was there but Julie had her notebook and asked just the right questions. We visited her while I was still in the 1st round of my chemo and her daughter, Kristen, would stand behind me and rub my bald head.I learned to have a sense of humor about it. Kristi wanted mom to get a rastafarian wig. Hang in there kid! You are stronger than you know. May the Lord be with you.
Love Ann Marie
Hi, Emilee --
I could tell Friday that you felt "down" and weak when I came over. But you had on your stylish cap and some make-up and joined the boys and your Mom and me. I'm always impressed with your courage and giving 150% to do all you can. It is certainly understandable when you feel emotional or physically ill -- you have a huge battle that you have been valiently waging and the Lord is aware of your suffering. I know that you have been sent many earthly angels to help you(your Mom is certainly chief among them and a blessing to you). I have the faith that the many worries you have will be lifted from you as you "turn them over to the Lord" as Christine said. Your sweet husband is working very hard and your extended family will always circle around you, David, and the boys to uplift and strengthen.
Much love,
Elaine
It just occurred to me that you probably now look more like me than you ever have before!!! Finally! I've been waiting for years for someone in the family to validate my choice of hair style by sharing in the joy of the "no-combs-no-brushes-no shampoo." (You gotta admit, it has its perks. Course, the reason for the 'do could be better, but hey -- just like you, I had to play the deck I was dealt when I went bald at 20 -- which is a cruel joke, I think...)
But in all serious, isn't it so nice to have mom there? I know she loves it too -- you're like her best friend, aside from pops. It's gotta be boring, sitting there in that big ol' house in CA, with no kids or grandkids.... BOOORRRING.
Love ya sis. Hang in there. Perhaps we'll see you sometime -- I've got a disaster in the making in the backyard right now, so I have to attend to that before the rain and snow hit, but soon.
Dear Emilee:
As I read your Sunday input I was again reminded of how unfair this life can be at times. One has to wander why so much can happen to the same person all at once. I am sure you have asked yourself that question many times. Yet I know without a doubt that God is totally aware of you and your situation and loves you and your family more than we can ever imagined. I also know that somehow things will be made right someday. As we go through the battles of life all we have is that faith and hope that we will eventually benefit from the sufferings and pains we experience while in mortality.
I pray that you will continue to be given the strength and vision you need to fight this battle and that somehow the Lord will give you peace in your heart and the knowledge that He loves you and that everything will eventually be well no matter what.
You are an amazing example and I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. Keep-up the good work and know that many are looking-up to you and love you and your family.
Sincerely,
I think one of the greatest tools that Satan has is discouragement and one of the things he uses most to get discouragement to work is MONEY. When all is said and done, no amount of money will matter if the treatments work or prolong your ability to be with your family. Is there any way your friends and family could have a fund raiser such as a spaghetti dinner or auction and dinner. Maybe auction off some of your brothers art work. If people dont have material things to auction, they can always auction off things they use their time for, such as tending children while parents go to the temple, sub in church classes, candle light dinner, homemade candy or bread and so on.
Anyway, just wanted to throw that idea out. I'm off to spend some time with Katy , Erik and my new little granddaughter Lucy.
Love Beth Street
Hi Emilee,
I am praying for you continuously. God does answer prayer. Continue to keep the positive spirit. God is working it out for your good. Hang in there!
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