Tuesday December 30th

I feel like my life is full of ups and downs. I was happy to go to a movie and dinner last night with our whole family and 3 more of the boys' friends (yes, one of them was a girl). The movie Marley and Me wasn't too exciting and fabulous, but it was sweet and had some very good messages about family and love. I cried at the end when they had to say goodbye to their beloved pet, but it did make me appreciate coming home to my own smaller yellow lab and cuddling her. I also was thankful that my Sandi is better behaved than the Marley in the movie. She got over her chewing fetish at the end of her puppy phase. Yesterday the children all had friends over to play until the afternoon, when I sent them home and tried to nap a bit. Even David had a load closing yesterday and has another one today, so that makes me grateful.

One of Nathan's chores this morning was to go get the mail (you have to walk 2 houses up the hill through the snow.) You can imagine that we had a lot of Christmas cards to read. Lately I've been feeling sentimental and I've been remembering the past Christmases we have had. I used to be one of those dedicated card senders that had a cute letter and beautiful photo to mail to my extended family and friends. That tradition has died away as I've been getting sicker every year. When I read the beautiful letters and photos that appeared in our mailbox, I couldn't help but mourn for a chance to lead a normal life again, instead of my constant ups and downs. I am letting myself cry about it and trying to realize that all of these beautiful families have their own trials and challenges. I am trying to remember the many blessings that I still receive and I know that Heavenly Father hasn't overlooked our family.

Even though I know my job is to get better and rest, I still feel like I should be doing so much more to teach my children and and watch over them. I have to trust in others that they will do this for me when I am too sick. I know there are ward members and extended family and friends who are helping to have a good influence on my boys, giving the big boys snow shoveling jobs to earn some money, or inviting Nathan to come and play at your house and giving him plenty of hugs and attention (just spare the treats, as he needs to fit in his clothes!) David really does take good care of me. He calls often during the day, picks up items at the store when needed, takes the boys on outings and helps put them to bed each night. Mostly at night is when I get a chance to lie down with one of my boys and hug them and talk to them. I'm grateful for those tender moments and that they don't feel too old to be tucked in by their mom.

It is normal for me to be emotional on the last day before my treatment. I first started chemotherapy in March of 2007 and have pretty much been going the whole time, except a 3 month break in the fall of 2007. I've had tests, treatments or doctors visits every month of 2008. I always have the hardest time keeping my spirits up in the winter. I am hoping to find a light box or lamp that I can use every day since there is not as much sunlight in the winter. I am also hoping to teach my boys how to prepare more meals, including making me some fruit and protein smoothies which are healthy and go down easily when I have nausea.

Well, I feel like I've gone on long enough today. We don't have any New Year's plans, except to eat our gingerbread house on New Year's Day. Brenton gets to go to a youth dance tonight. I can't believe he'll be 15 in only 6 weeks. Speaking of birthdays, mine is coming in 2 weeks and I'll be 37 and just a few years short of 40. Maybe after this next cycle of treatment I'll be up to going somewhere to celebrate my birthday. It helps me to look forward to happy things.

Emilee