Thursday December 11th

Maybe I spoke too soon on Tuesday when I mentioned that I had been managing my symptoms. Yesterday (Wed.) was the worst day I have felt so far in this treatment cycle. I had hoped on Tuesday evening to attend the ward dinner, but I felt pretty sick to my stomach and I also didn't feel like dressing up and sitting around a table and talking to people. I stayed home with Nathan and Jonny, while Brenton went over to the dinner with the other youth who were serving the adults. Then I woke up feeling pretty sick on Wednesday, yesterday.

I took a long nap yesterday afternoon and when I got up, the children and my mom had completed a gingerbread house, each side decorated by one of them and the roof topped with necco candies for shingles. They had a chimney with a gelly santa poised to come down, plus a walkway made of smarties and even a green jelly wreath hanging on one of the walls. Mom spent all morning baking the gingerbread and she even thought ahead to bring a couple of the ingredients with her, plus the template to cut out the walls and roof, etc. It was a tradition at my house growing up, so I appreciated mom teaching my children how to carry on the tradition. I told the kids they could eat it on New Year's Day, just as my family had done.

I am now starting my second week of taking the oral chemotherapy, Xeloda. I think I would feel a lot less nausea if I didn't have to take those pills each day. In one week, I'll be done with the pills and then I hope to be feeling better before Christmas. I haven't done any Christmas shopping, but I am hoping to get out next week and buy some gifts. We continue to get small gifts from our neighbors and church members. Monday night, a family came to deliver some banana bread and their children sang us some Christmas carols. Yesterday some girls brought us cookies as their activity days project. My boys are always delighted to get sweets, since I don't buy many and we don't usually eat dessert. We always feel supported and remembered by the ward members.

I am feeling a little sad today, because I am thinking of all the things I can't do or enjoy because I am sick. For example, we were offered tickets to the Tabernacle Choir concert on Friday, but I knew I would feel too sick to attend. I am also sad that Brenton and Jonny are behind in some of their school classes. They got really bad midterm reports and I feel like it is all my fault because I haven't monitored their homework and assigments enough. Also, I feel like the boys are stressed because I am sick, so they worry about me and have to answer questions at school and church about how I'm doing, only they don't know what to say. My future health is always up in the air, since we don't know if I'll get better or if I will most likely decline until I die from liver failure. It is scary for the whole family when we worry about the worst outcome, meanwhile we have to press forward with faith, and count the blessings we have. I suppose my times of tears and worry should be allowed, as long as I remember the bright side and have hope in Christ. I'm still reading my book, "When you can't do it alone, take the Savior's hand." I've felt peace from reading that book, as well as from reading the recent conference talks and marking the words that inspire me.

A member of the Quorum of the Seventy, Kevin Pearson, is coming on Sunday to give me a blessing. I'd like to record it and have it to remember over and over, after he leaves. A family member told him about my illness and he called yesterday to set up a time to visit. I feel very humbled, that he would be willing to come and see our little family. He was so kind on the phone to ask me questions, and I must have sounded awful because I got emotional and started crying and blowing my nose. At least I now have something to look forward to, when he comes on Sunday. On Sunday, when I attend church, it is nice to be able to put my wig on and dress up and try to forget that I am sick and bald. Even if I have to rest right up until church begins, I do my best to take medication, put on my clothes and make it through sacrament meeting before I have to come home and take a nap. Perhaps when our ward schedule changes in January, the meetings won't conflict with my nap time!

It was helpful to let some of my feelings out today. Since I changed doctors, I no longer have free counseling available, but perhaps I can find a substitute. David wants me to ask my Dr. about a prescription for hospice care, which could provide our family with grief counseling and similar services. Thanks to everyone who reads this and to those who provide comforting comments and greetings. It is nice to know that so many people are thinking about me.
Emilee