Emilee Dolberg Ellis

Family Update

2009-03-20T15:33:00.002-06:00

Some people have inquired how David and the boys are doing. Well, I'm just one observer, but I think they are doing good considering the circumstances of missing their wife and mom. They are all back in school and establishing new routines. David is doing awesome adjusting his work schedule to work at home and around the boy's schedules. Each afternoon a member of the Ellis family is there when the boys return home from school (me on Mondays, Aunt Laurie on Tuesdays, Grandma and Grandpa Ellis on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and Uncle Greg on Fridays). We all know being a parent is hard enough, but being a single grieving parent is much harder, so we are doing our best to support David and the boys and respecting the things they are used to doing, as routine is so important in times like this. (Jonny informed me tuna sandwiches are disgusting, by the way. Glad he was with me when I went grocery shopping!)

My close friend lost her husband in August and observing her grief was painful. She has been helpful in givng me suggestions on what others can do for a newly widowed parent such as providing meals, inviting the family over for family night or dinner, offering to run an errand, or just a simple phone call or visit. Thank you to the friends and neighbors who have done this already. David mentions how nice it has been and how it gives his family something to look forward to.

On a side note, Brenton is in a school play The Wizard of Oz next week. It is $2.00 in advance, $3.00 at the door, and he is performing on Thursday, March 26 at 7:00 p.m. and Saturday, March 28 at 1:00 p.m. at Lincoln Academy, 1582 W 3300 N, Pleasant Grove. E-mail David for more information if needed. Go Brenton! -Jennie Kilstrom

Funeral Program

2009-03-15T18:46:00.005-06:00

Below is the funeral program. A neighbor in their ward sketched the photo of Christ for Emilee and her family. I will find out the name to give proper credit soon. I'm going down to help out tomorrow to make sure David and the boys are fed well and have clean laundry :-). Coming soon will be an audio file of the funeral and various slideshows on the right hand side of this column. -Jennie Kilstrom

Funeral

2009-03-14T12:28:00.002-06:00

Photos and the funeral program will be posted soon. Sorry to make those of you wait who were not able to attend. It's been a week of grieving and catching up on rest since the funeral. -Jennie Kilstrom

Obituary

2009-03-05T22:14:00.005-07:00

Lovingly looking back at her dear husband and children, Emilee Dolberg Ellis passed from this life on March 4, 2009 after a courageous six-year battle with cancer. With great faith and brightness of hope she was encircled with the love of Heavenly Father and loved ones as she was greeted in the hereafter forever free of her suffering.

Emilee was born on January 15, 1972, in Davis, California. She married David L. Ellis in the Oakland, California LDS Temple in 1992. Always bright and inquisitive she was an excellent student, and was an exchange student in Germany. She got only A grades in high school and was co--valedictorian of her class at San Joaquin Delta College in Stockton, CA where she received her AA Degree. She received BA and MA degrees in German at Brigham Young University, teaching German as a grad student. Emilee was a gifted pianist and singer and shared her talents as an accompanist for choirs in her church as well as a teacher of piano. Emilee most recently worked with students at her children’s school, The Lincoln Academy, in Cedar Hills as a Music Specialist.

Emilee was a world traveler, and with her parents, husband and children, saw Europe, China, Hong Kong, Alaska and traveled across the U.S. Just a month ago she enjoyed a trip with her family to San Diego. She was an avid reader and has always loved literature and languages. She enjoyed keeping a journal and was a devoted scrap booker and left her family volumes of treasures of photos and journaling that will be cherished. Emilee was cheerful, optimistic, friendly and an adventurer and gave inspiration to those to persevere through trials with faith.

Emilee’s greatest joy was her family and she participated in every activity she possibly could with them. She is survived by her loving husband, David, sons Brenton, Jonathan, and Nathan; parents Glen and Bonnie Baer Dolberg of Stockton, CA; brothers Daniel (Meggin), David, Paul (Felisa), Peter; and many nieces and nephews and David’s extended family.

A viewing will be held Sunday, March 8 from 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. at the LDS Stake Center at 3950 W. Cedar Hills, Drive, Cedar Hills, UT. The funeral will be on Monday, March 9, 10:00 a.m. at the same location. Viewing time will be from 9:00 a.m. to 9:45 a.m. that morning prior to services. Internment will be at the Wasatch Lawn Memorial Park. The family would like to thank the Cedar Hills First Ward, Dr. Shehedah and Dr. Garner, Intermountain Health Care Hospice, and the staff at the Daily Herald who have been so caring.

Donations are gratefully accepted at Emilee’s medical account at US Bank 210 E. 700 S., Pleasant Grove, UT, 84062. Flowers may be sent to SereniCare Funeral Home, 12278 S. Lone Peak Parkway #103, Draper, UT 84020. Emilee wished for all to visit her blog and you can send condolences to www.emilee-ellis.blogspot.com.

Thursday, March 5

2009-03-05T12:08:00.001-07:00

Thank you reporters Ashley Franscell, Ace Stryker, and The Daily Herald.

http://www.heraldextra.com/content/view/302055/17/

March 4, 2009

2009-03-04T11:33:00.005-07:00

Our sweet Emilee passed away this morning around 8:00 a.m. We rejoice she is relieved from pain and is in the arms of those who went before her who are welcoming her and watching over her. It is a comfort she passed on March 4th, as she has always “marched forth” through life's adventures and through her cancer journey. Now she is marching forth to her calling in heaven.

UPDATE: A viewing will be on Sunday, March 8, from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at the Stake Center building on the corner of Cedar Hills Drive and Canyon Road at 3950 W Cedar Hills Drive.

The funeral will be on Monday, March 9, 10:00 a.m. at the Stake Center building on the corner of Cedar Hills Drive and Canyon Road at 3950 W Cedar Hills Drive. Viewing time will be from 9:00 a.m. to 9:45 a.m. that morning as well.

David thanks everyone for their comments. If you feel more comfortable sending condolences directly to him, they can be e-mailed to david@bmcfunding.com.

I will post the obituary when it comes available. -Jennie Kilstrom

Tuesday, March 3

2009-03-03T20:19:00.002-07:00

Emilee was given a morphine pump accessed through her port on Monday night. Members of the family press the pump every 20 minutes round the clock to administer pain relief. The hospice care nurse and doctor do not think she will be with us much longer -just a day or so.

Thank you again for your prayers and sweet messages posted. Lots of emotions are going around at this "fever pitch" moment of transition watching beloved Emilee pass from this life to the next. Your words in e-mails and comments keep us spiritually grounded and they are appreciated. -Jennie Kilstrom

Monday, March 2

2009-03-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Emilee was unresponsive today (except for two “uh-uhs” when she didn’t want something). She is slipping away rather quickly. Most the day was a mixture of tears with small moments of laughter as we as family members worked together and embraced the sweet spirit in her room.

The hospice nurses and health aides have been stopping in and working to keep Emilee comfortable. She mostly communicates that she is in pain and we are working hard to relieve that. Please keep praying for pain relief for her.

In case you didn’t know, Emilee is an incredible scrap booker. Her mother got her on a good path by keeping memory books since she was born. Emilee has stayed in the habit and has left over 20 big thick books of scrapbooking memories of her and her family. Your comments, memories, and favorite stories will continue in one of her scrapbooks to be kept for her children and grandchildren to see. Please keep the messages coming for David and the boys and share any experiences or stories you would like to. Emilee’s parents express thanks for the kind messages, flowers, meals, etc. that have been coming it. It has really touched them.

I’m putting together a memory video with photos of Emilee through her lifetime. If you have any photos of Emilee you would like to submit, please send them to jkilstrom@gmail.com. I can’t guarantee they will get in the video, but I will try. --Jennie Kilstrom

Comments

2009-03-01T18:59:00.002-07:00

I will be printing off and reading the comments and e-mails left for Emilee to her. She may not respond, but I know she is aware part of the time of those around her and the comments left for her will be heard. So, please keep writing any memories, thoughts, etc. for her and her family and they will be read. Thanks!
-Jennie Kilstrom

Sunday, March 1

2009-03-01T09:07:00.003-07:00

Hi, it's Jennie again. Emilee is still having a hard time and under a lot of pain medication. It's been difficult to watch her suddenly struggle so much. For those who visited 7 or 8 days ago, you know she was able to receive visitors and talk for a long time. I was sharing a Barbacoa chicken wrap and folding laundry with her 9 days ago and talking about life, family, etc. for hours. But the past few days she is really struggling and is resting a lot. Thank you to those who are fasting and praying for her and her family today.

On a brighter note, David told me she craved her favorite Roxberry Mango Madness smoothie on Saturday and was able to have a little that.

The family has expressed a few things that neighbors, ward members, and extended relatives can help out with. Call the Ellis home to make arrangements. Here are a few ideas:
-Invite the boys over after school to play games, hang out, go on a activity, etc.
-Invite the boys over after school and help them out with homework.
-The boys have membership to the American Fork recreation center and could use a ride over and supervision while they participate in activities there.

For those of you who like to cook, here are some food suggestions:
-After school type snacks or quick breakfast type things you can grab and go like healthy muffins, banana bread, pumpkin bread, or really anything you make and want to share extra with (especially something that can be freezed and used later). The family really has enjoyed the desserts but their waistlines have suggested perhaps something a little healthier if possible. :-)

Your words of support through posting on this blog, writing a note, sending a e-mail, or talking to David, Brenton, Jonny, and Nathan really help them feel loved. Keep it up and thank you again for it.

Friday, February 27

2009-02-27T21:03:00.003-07:00

I edited the post a bit on 2/28/09. This is Emilee's sister-in-law, Jennie, updating this post. David asked me to help out until he and Emilee can write their own post. I'll give a brief update of the events of the past few days.

Emilee chose to end chemotherapy treatments and to use hospice care. It is defined as follows: "Hospice care is suitable when you no longer benefit from cancer treatment and you are expected to live 6 months or less. Hospice gives you palliative care, which is treatment to help relieve cancer-related symptoms, but not cure the disease; its main purpose is to improve your quality of life. You, your family, and your doctor decide together when hospice care should begin."

Hospice also covers pain control symptoms, mediation between doctors, nurses, therpists, etc., home care, family counseling, bereavement, etc. if that is what David and Emilee decide in their plan. Basically, it is a service in the home that will help Emilee be comfortable and manage her health needs as well as providing support for the family.

Emilee went to the doctor's for more pain management relief -it's been a tough few days and she has had to take extra pain medication to remain comfortable. She is groggy at times. If you would like to visit, please call before and see if it is a good time to come over -she really enjoys it and it lifts her spirits as well as those in the rest of the family.

David mentioned the doctor removed 2 liters of fluid from her abdomen today. Her swelling in the stomach is still very apparent but the swelling in her hands and face looked better than past times I've seen her.

I'll keep you posted as David and Emilee direct me to do so. You can e-mail me at jkilstrom@gmail.com if you have further questions. Also, the blog background has been acting wacky lately, so bear with me until the problem is solved. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, comments, visits, and acts of kindness. They are felt and keep everyone afloat. -Jennie Kilstrom

Tuesday February 24th

2009-02-24T18:25:00.003-07:00

I am feeling a little sad today. I haven't feel well physically and that often affects my mood. I am also still doing research toward making my decision to start hospice or not. I had a nice visit from my brother Daniel and his daughter. They brought me some beautiful tulip bulbs, the kind that grow in water and you can see the roots at the bottom. He even brought treats, as Greg did last night. We never lack for sweets at our house!
We went shopping last night to pick up some maxi-pads to put over the spot on my abdomen that is draining. This morning I noticed it wasn't wet, so the leaking has stopped, at least for now. Thsnk you to whoever added more money to my donation account. David's income has been kind of hit and miss through his changing companies, so it is nice to know that we at least have some money to pay the medical bills. I promise that's all I will spend it on!
I have Dr. appointments tomorrow and the next day, so by the next time I write I should have a little more news for you.
Emilee

Sunday February 22nd

2009-02-22T17:11:00.002-07:00

My favorite time of day is the evening, since David is usually around and I have my pain under control and I can lie down and relax or soak in the bath. My boyw were all visiting friends or cousins until late last night, so David and I snuggled up with the dog and watched I Love Lucy.

On Saturday morning the older boys came home and my parents came over to work on projects around the house. My project was to help make a list of projects for my parents and for others to be able to help us. I took a nap in the afternoon, then my two cousins, Julie and Chrissie and their husbands brought delicious soup and sourdough bread and mint brownies from Kneaders bakery. My parents enjoyed the visit as well and I got to hold Julie's baby Anna who is 5 months old. So cute!
Last night was Little House on the Prairie for our family entertainment. All of us like to try to guess what will happen on the episode, given the music and the characters, etc. Then we have a little scripture study and go to bed. Both boys got to stay up late on Friday night, so I had to make sure they wouldn't be tired for church in the morning.

Today was church, but because of my illness, I wake up almost every morning with pain and discomfort. I have body aches and my abdomen is filling up again with fluid. It takes a half hour and a little breakfast before the pain medicine works and I feel half normal. It is most comfortable for me to lie on my side rather than on my back and it hurts when I roll over. Brenton stayed home with me this morning, as he slightly sprained his ankle last night.

After church, The hometeacher came over to administer the sacrament to Brenton and to me. After that, I started noticing that my shirt and pants were wet. At first I thought I had spilled some water on them. Then, when I went to change into new clothes, those clothes started getting wet, too. After a little investigation, I figured out that my abdominal fluid is leaking out of one of the holes they made on Thursday to drain it out. My mom helped me use medical tape and a washcloth to cover the spot on my lower abdomen where I am "leaking." We've already had to change it once. If this continues tomorrow, I should probably go to my doctor and find out what else to do.

This will be my week of research and prayer, as I decide whether to try more chemotherapy or stop conventional treatment and sign up for hospice care. Dr. Shehadeh recommends the hospice option, as he says he has nothing else to offer me, now that the cancer is resistant to every type of chemotherapy. I'll ask the opinion of another Dr. or two to make sure this is the case. If I quit chemotherapy, I will also take more of my supplements and lean toward natural methods.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
Emilee

Friday February 20th

2009-02-20T11:43:00.002-07:00

I've been feeling sick all week, but I did have a surprising blessing yesterday. Elaine drove me to Provo to meet with Dr. Garner, the pain management specialist. After examining my bloated belly, he immediately made a call and put in motion a plan for me to go downstairs and have the excess fluid removed. I don't know why my oncologist didn't think of this, but I suppose Dr. Garner's specialty is helping people with pain and discomfort to feel better.

The nurse was first to use the ultrasound and look for a good place to put the needle. This procedure is called paracentesis so it is similar to an amniocentesis. I joked with the nurse that at least there was no baby to worry about when they started poking me. The procedure was quick and not painful at all. The radiologist confirmed a good site to poke and he put the needle in and connected it to a bottle. I filled a liter bottle in less than 10 minutes so the nurse switched to another one. They both had to press and maneuver my belly to get the maximum amount of fluid out. By the end, they had 1.6 liters and it weighed 5 pounds. Wow! Where else can you go and lose 5 pounds instantly! Actually it wasn't fat, but fluid that had come through my liver but my liver wasn't able to process because of the cancer. I still have a swollen stomach, but I can breathe much better and so it was a real blessing. Thanks for your prayers! It seems that they are having a good effect!
Emilee

Wednesday Feb. 18th

2009-02-18T22:49:00.003-07:00

Since I wrote last, my belly still looks like I'm about 6 ,months pregnant. This makes it hard to get out of bed or to pick up an item on the floor. I'm messy in the kitchen, too, so I'm always making a mess for others to help with the dishes.

In general, I have been feeling quite sick during the last few days. I have indigestion and nausea, also pain in my back and other bones, which I keep on hand. Tomorrow is my appt. with Dr. Garner, the pain control doctor. Even though I've had a lot of extra muscle pain, he will need to see my big belly and that as well.

I pray that my burden will be lifted, if it be the Lord's will. I will trust in the Savior who has already suffered for me. I will stay as long as God wants me to stay on the earth.
Always,
Emilee

Saturday Feb. 14

2009-02-14T21:02:00.002-07:00

Happy Valentines Day! Mom helped me on Thursday night to put together valentines for Nathan's 3rd grade class, where they all exchange cards. Yesterday, the 13th was Brenton's 15th birthday. He came home with paper hearts on the door to his room and some balloons and Hershey's kissables. He would never guess that his aunt Jennie did it! This wasn't a party year for Brenton so he and my brother Dave brought 2 friends and Jonny to JCW's, a hamburger place with tons of other menu items, not just gourmet burgers. Then they came back to have cupcakes with candles in them. The rest of the evening, Jonny and one of Brenton's friends played Wii, using a new game from his uncle Dave Dolberg. I remember the boys coming home, but I think I went to sleep before David took Brenton's friend home. Nathan was at his cousin Clark's all evening. Thanks again to Melissa and Greg!
Because my stomach is swollen and distended, it looks like I'm about 6 weeks pregnant. It has bothered me all week and so I went to see my oncologist. Unfortunately, he didn't have anything to offer me. He said that diuretics would just take needed fluids out of my body. He didn't give me hope Dr. Shehadeh fold me that I would soon need to make the decision to keep going with chemotherapy or stop medical treatments and get hospice care instead. I'm going to ask around and see if any other doctors have other suggestions or treatments for me. The naturopathic doctor told me of some alternative treatments such as high doses of either vitamin C or melatonin. Another study was involved in giving baking soda, dissolved in water to change the body's PH level. Dr. Shehadeh said that he was doubtful these could help me. I did buy some supplements, so I'll keep using those.
I want to try one more 3-week round of this drug, especially if the swelling in my belly goes down. That would indicate that the swelling was partially due to the chemotherapy drug. I'll have to rely on the Lord to help me make my decision to keep going with treatment or to quit. Dr. Shehadeh said that at this point, the remaining cancer cells are resistant to the chemo drugs.
I'm too embarrassed to go to church, as I only have a few shirts that are big enough to cover my belly. Even many of my pants can't button in the front, so I have to wear elastic waistlines.
It has been wonderful to have my parents here this week. I feel glad, however, that they have promised to come again when I need help. I was glad to have an outing, so David and I took the older boys out for some shopping. We first went to DI to find a suit for Brenton. We ended up buying a dark blue blazer and khaki dress pants, as well as a long-sleeved blue dress shirt. Jonny picked out a necktie that had CTR in small print, following the lines of the color
I'm looking forward to a relaxing Sunday tomorrow. The boys are usually cooperative and we have a family home evening. I will get more time to talk to my husband and I usually feel like he has lightened my load. Thanks for your comments on this blog. I enjoy reading your ideas and inspiration.
Emilee

Thursday, Feb. 12th

2009-02-12T20:23:00.002-07:00

I've been feeling sick all week, due to my treatments. My parents are helping with the children and keeping the house clean and food on the table. One symptom I'm havivng is severe edema, or retention of fluid, mostly in my abdomen but also in my lower legs and calves. My abdomen is so swollen it makes me short of breath and puts uncomfortable pressure on my stomach. I'll be going to the Dr. tomorrow to get my usual blood tests and also to ask him some questions. I really hope he'll find a way to reduce this terrible swelling.

Today I attended a cancer support group at my old clinic. I had a hard time expressing my feelings without crying. Once I started crying, I could hardly breathe because of the pressure on my lungs. Still, it was good to get my emotions out instead of holding them all in. I pray for faith and not fear, but the swelling problems have made me afraid for my life. I am just not sure whether I will recover if I have more complications.

Brenton is excited for his birthday tomorrow. He is going out to dinner with my brother Dave, two of Brenton's friends and Jonny. Brenton is hoping to use his birthday money to buy a "guitar hero" game for the Wii. Our gift is to give him a new Sunday suit, but we'll have to shop for that another time.

Tonight I was able to attend a Presidential Pageant at the kid's school, Lincoln Academy. Jonathan performed one number with the band and Brenton performed with the choir. It was my first chance to hear them perform since the school year started last August. I'm glad my parents were also able to be there. Both the combined bands and the combined choirs sounded great as they played patriotic music. We didn't stay for the whole program, just to hear the band and the choir perform.

Thanks for your prayers and support. I try to get through each day without too much nausea and pain and discomfort. I like to read and to watch educational programs on cable. I'm glad my parents are here to keep me company and drive me to appointments and play with my boys. I am always happy when the boys come home from school and come up to greet me. It is those little things that I have to look forward to, even though I am sad and frustrated with being sick.

I'm sad that I won't be up to going out with my husband for Valentine's Day, but maybe he can make it up to me another time.
Emilee

Tuesday February 10th

2009-02-10T10:20:00.003-07:00

My parents came over yesterday morning to help me. It was nice to have them here to help with the house, as I needed to rest most of the time. I've been really concerned about the increased swelling in my abdomen, due to the liver tumors. It makes me look about 5 months pregnant, but with most of the weight on top, against my ribcage. In an effort to get more advice, my parents went with me to a naturopathic Dr. in the afternoon. He recommended several supplements which should give my liver support and maybe help shrink the swelling. We stopped at a Health Food store and were able to find most of the items. One of them is castor oil which you are supposed to put on a damp cloth and spread it over your abdomen, so it can get absorbed by your skin. The rest of the supplements I can take by mouth.

David's dad also came by to take the boys out for haircuts yesterday afternoon. That was such a thoughful gift! The boys look really sharp. I'm really glad when the children can interact with and learn from their grandparents. This afternoon when the boys got home from school, my dad helped Jonny and his friend with their communication merit badge. Now, Dad is helping Brenton memorize lines for the play he is practicing for. Mom is encouraging Nathan to do his chores, though he is acting kind of resistant at the moment.

Today, I've got most of my chemo side effects under control with medication. I used the castor oil pack this morning. I didn't really notice any differences, but next time I am supposed to use a heating pad to increase the absorption into my skin. I'm using my GoLight right now to try to substitute for sunlight. I've been a little sad lately and worried about my new treatments and my growing liver. David has been feeling a lot of stress due to work and my worsening illness. In addition, his mother has not yet received a diagnosis for some of her health concerns. I think the winter season may also be affecting his mood. It has been kind of stormy and cloudy lately. Maybe my parents can drive me to a cancer support group on Thursday.

On the flip side, the children seem to be happy and they have been really great at doing their homework and chores. They give me hugs when I'm sad and they come and chat with me. They have also been getting along a lot better. Maybe having the Wii has helped, but Nathan and Jonny don't argue nearly as much as they used to and they even play together now. Brenton is excited about his birthday on Friday. He'll be 15. He won't have a friends party this year, but we can celebrate as a family. So, despite my large challenges, the Lord has blessed me with more peace and happiness in our home. We are also blessed with supportive parents and loving friends and relatives and neighbors.
Emilee

February 8th

2009-02-08T18:21:00.002-07:00

I'm feeling sick today. I guess the chemo on Wednesday finally did me in. I have muscle aches and a sore mouth and I am nauseated and tired. I'm looking forward to my parents arriving tomorrow to help run our household and give me a little TLC.

Last week, I received the first medical bill for 2009. I first have to meet a deductible for the health insurance company, then they cover 80% of my bills until I reach my out of pocket maximum for the year. It's that 20% that I always have to worry about! I edited the side bars on my blog to make it easier for you to look up my donation account. Anything you can send will help cheer me up.

My liver has been really swollen due to the tumors lately and I have pink eye as well. Since my oncologist didn't offer me any medicine except chemotherapy, I am hoping the naturopathic doctor might have a remedy or two that I could try to help my liver. It scares me to look like I'm pregnant because of my bulging stomach. It also means I can only wear the loose tops in my wardrobe. I stayed home from church today because my eye was red and almost swollen shut.

Well, thanks for listening to all of my complaints. I guess it helps to talk about them. I hope I will be feeling a little better soon.
Emilee

Thursday January 5th

2009-02-05T08:41:00.002-07:00

Hello Everyone! I took a vacation from writing my blog because...I was on vacation! We took the family down to San Diego for a few days and enjoyed the sun and activities. Before the trip, I had finished a round of chemotherapy and then had a PET scan to see if the treatments had reduced the tumors or if they had grown. The results were in before we left on our trip, so I called to schedule an appointment with my oncologist for after our trip. The staff needed to know if they needed to schedule time for a chemo treatment or just a consultation, so they told me they would consult the Dr. and call me back. Dr. Shehadeh himself called back and confirmed that yes, the tumors had grown since the last scan and I would be starting a new drug and a new round of chemotherapy when I returned.
With that in mind, I was extra grateful to be able to travel with David and the children before starting the new drug and treatment schedule. We stayed in a cute 2 bedroom cottage just 2 blocks from the beach. We went to Sea World, Legoland and the Wild Animal Park. We also took a bus to Tijuana. Now the kids can say they have been to Mexico! My favorite activity of the trip was our 3 hour whale watching cruise. We got to see grey whales and we followed them in the boat, as this is the time of year that they migrate to the Baha peninsula to give birth to their young. We also saw a sea lion and several black and white dolphins. We got an extra bonus, as we approached a dive boat and saw an adolescent grey whale playing nearby. Our ship stopped the motor and we saw the whale as e came around to the dive boat and rolled and waved his fin at them. He swam around with a dolphin nearby. When he moved to the other side of the boat, we followed around in ours and the whale came near us and did the same roll and wave of his fin. We could see the little white limpets on his usually grey skin. Another whale watching boat came over to watch from a distance. When we returned to the harbor, the naturalist on board told us not to mention our bonus to the people in line for the next boat, as it is rare that a whale will stay in one place that long.
We got the boys shovels and they had fun at the beach, digging piles of sand and watching the tide come in and wash them away. We also drove to a place with some tide pools and the kids found sea anemone, sea snails, hermit crabs and little black crabs. We made our own breakfast and lunches then ate out a few times at nice restaurants for dinner, ordering seafood, of course!
One morning, the kids had been playing at the beach and David came back to see if I wanted to go down and join them for a while and look at their "creations." I decided to take off my hat and go out to get some sun on my bald head. I did put on sunscreen first, and I wore my sunglasses so I could go incognito. David carried some beach chairs from the cottage and I brought a book to read. It felt quite liberating to go out in public with a bald head. It was a big step for me, but gradually I am becoming comfortable with the fact that I have no hair.
When we got home, I had my oncologist visit the next day. Elaine drove me up and David was also there for the doctor visit. He explained the same thing as he said on the phone, that the tumors were growing again and we needed to change medication. He gave me some instructions and a short exam, then I moved on to the chemo room. The new drug, Doxil, doesn't take quite as long as my old medicine, but they had to drip it slower than usual for the first dose, to make sure I don't have a bad reaction or anything. Elaine and I chatted most of the time. She has been having some health issues and has not received a clear diagnosis yet. She called me today and mentioned that her doctor recommended surgery, so it looks like her problems aren't over yet. At least she can have a degree of empathy for me and all the pokes and procedures I've had over the years.
Today is the day after my treatment and I haven't had any side effects yet, just fatigue, so I took a 2 hour nap before the boys got home from school. My parents are coming this weekend, so I am looking forward to seeing them. Thanks, everyone for your prayers and service to our family. I promise to write more often, now that we are home. I just didn't want everyone on the internet to know that my house was empty for 5 days. Bye for now,
Emilee

Tuesday January 27th

2009-01-27T17:53:00.003-07:00

I've been feeling a little better each day, and I have been taking enzymes and supplements to help my digestion. I will have another chemo appointment next week, so I am enjoying a break right now. I have a feeling my oncologist will want to either up my dosage of the current meds or try another chemo drug. I've invited my parents to come out for a week while I'm sick, so at least the kids and household will be cared for.

I invited some of the ward ladies over for lunch today. They did most of the work. I only had to heat up a casserole and clean up a bit. I also sorted through many of our books and magazines and offered them to the ladies as a swap. A few others brought some books to share, so I got a couple of new ones. Not as many took home my books, so I am still left with a box of them. I'll either have to offer them to more people or donate them to DI or somewhere. So, if you live nearby and would like some free books and magazines, just drop by and check out my box!

Tonight the kids are all busy with homework and scouts. I like to see the kids involved in things and they get to play the Wii as a reward. Even David is using the Wii Fit to improve his fitness. I am glad we are getting good use from it.

Today was cold and clear, after a couple of snow storms came through. The mountains look like they are painted white and the sun shone all day on the new snow. Goodbye for now from Utah!
Emilee

Sunday, January 25th

2009-01-25T17:27:00.002-07:00

It is a snowy weekend here in Utah. We welcome the moisture, though, as our air quality has been bad, due to the inversion. The storm clears the air and makes things fresh again. I haven't felt quite as well as I hoped to this week. Still, I was able to take the kids to the store on Friday afternoon. I ride the electric carts around to save energy. I also went visiting teaching that morning, which I haven't done in a couple of months.
Yesterday was quite fun. In the morning, the children all did homework and some chores. In the afternoon, a friend of our family, Ben Fisher, brought his wife Bethany and daughter Maddy over to give the big boys a cooking lesson and prepare some meals for our family. Ben and I grew up in the same ward in Stockton, and I also know his older sister fairly well. She is also a cancer survivor and used to live in Utah for a while, too.
Bethany is a chef, having graduated from Western Culinary Institute and she had the boys laughing and working downstairs for several hours. I was resting upstairs most of the time, but I came down to say goodbye and sit down to a delicious dinner, all waiting for me at the table. Ben and Bethany taught the boys how to make lasagna, also macaroni and cheese, and meatballs and they stored those dishes in our deep freezer for use on another day. Then, they made coleslaw, potatoes and beef barbecue ribs for our dinner. It was such a treat! The ribs were the best I've tasted, definitely restaurant quality. The boys were thrilled with their accomplishment and we had plenty of leftovers for our lunch after church today.
I tried to go to bed a little early, so I would be sure to have energy for church this morning. David woke me at about 8:20 and I got up and got dressed. I brought along some crackers, a water bottle and some gummi bears. Even though I had some nausea, it got better as I sat in the church meetings, using my snacks to help calm my stomach every half hour or so. I think I said last time that I think my liver is affecting my digestion, so I will probably ask Dr. Garner about that when I see him this week.
I was glad to make it to all 3 hours of church. I was able to have a nap this afternoon and now David and the boys are playing games while I write this. My goal this week is to have the children work on some of their assignments in advance and catch up with their schoolwork. Since I've felt a bit better, I've been overseeing their homework and chores each afternoon and I'm pleased with their progress.
Thanks, Dad, for your cute story. I am getting more comfortable with my hairless situation. The kids have only seen my bald head by accicent a couple of times, when my hat fell off. I actually let David see me bald and he wasn't a bit bothered by it. If I feel up to it, I'd love to have some ladies in the ward over for lunch this week. I want to have a book/magazine swap where we all bring our old reading material and swap it for something new. It would be a potluck and I already have food in my freezer to heat up and serve.
Have a good week!
Emilee

Thursday January 22nd

2009-01-22T21:14:00.002-07:00

It doesn't seem like anything interesting is happening this week, so I don't have a lot to tell about. Generally I am building back a little strength and I don't have a lot of pain or nausea, but I feel like my stomach is bloated and I have indigestion. Some of my medications help a little with that, along with good old Tums.

Today I went out to the chiropractor and to WalMart. I had to buy new pantyhose at WalMart and they didn't seem to have any in the A size, at least not in the color I wanted. I spent 10 minutes staring at all those little packages of nylons until I finally picked 2 that I think will work. I'm going to start driving again, mostly short trips, as long as I'm not sleepy or sick. I've been using the pain patches long enough, that I still feel fairly normal, not impaired. If I have to take extra pain medicine, then I probably won't want to drive anyway.

Tomorrow I actually get to go visiting teaching for the first time in a few months. I've also been able to rest before the kids get home, so I can supervise them in their chores and homework. At least it is nice to get in a routine again and David hardly ever has night appointments like he did tonight, so we can usually eat together as a family. I feel so blessed to have David and the boys and to be able to hug them every day and be with them.
Emilee

Tuesday January 20th

2009-01-20T19:41:00.002-07:00

I am glad to finally be feeling better for my week off. We took a family outing to Salt Lake yesterday, pretty much the farthest I've been out of our house since I got my treatment on Dec. 31st. First, we stopped at the nearby smoothie shop where I got some gift certificates for my birthday. We were quite surprised to find frozen yogurt shakes on the menu in addition to the usual juice flavors. Each shake comes with a "boost" such as calcium, protein, entergy, etc. I had them add calcium to the kids' and protein to mine. The man was even nice enough to split the boys' drink into three portions. They serve rolls with honey butter there as well, so we got one with our drink. The rolls weren't really anything special, but they will heat them up for you in the microwave to melt your butter!

We then went up to Salt Lake to the planetarium to see a star show and David and the boys pushed me in the wheelchair around the outdoor mall, the Gateway. We had a fast food lunch and a shopping trip to Costco and that about wore me out for the day!

Today has been relaxing, at least since I got back from my PET scan. The test went smoothly but the process takes a long time, so I was there for about 2 hours. Since I had to fast, I was quite hungry when I got home, which is unusual to me, since I don't seem to have a big appetite because of frequent nausea. The big boys both helped with dinner and now they are at youth night and David is playing the Wii with Nathan. That Wii is becoming a great hit at our house and it is a great motivator for the kids to get their work done.

I'm looking forward to feeling better this week.
Emilee

Sunday January 18th

2009-01-18T15:09:00.002-07:00

I have had a really wonderful week, even though at times I felt sick or tired. I was able to visit with and go out with friends and spend lots of time with David and the children both Friday night and last night. David and I didn't go out to dinner on Friday because I brought home at take out order of the Chinese food I had with my friends at lunch. Then, since I bought 2 more Wii controllers, David, Brenton, Nathan and I had a four way game of bowling. Jonny went overnight camping with his deacons group.

We have really been watching the Little House on the Prairie series that our friends lent us. I realize that every episode teaches you a lesson, even if it is just to try to be kind to those who are mean to us.

Every once in a while I will sneak one of my See's candies that were my birthday present. I take bites of the molasses chips and suck the chocolate off and then crunch the rest. I've also been enjoying the other presents as well.

I want to thank Amadee, my sister-in-law's father, for his beautiful words and insights and comments. My illness is close to his heart, as he lost his first wife to breast cancer. He has had so many challenges and changes to his family, but still he finds time to read my blog and share my pain and share his inspiration. I know the Lord will give you strength to carry your burdens and to bless you, dear friend.

I was able to go to sacrament meeting this morning. I tried on two skirts and they just about fell down to my kness because they were too big! I'm not used to having this problem! For the skirt I chose, the brown embroidered one, I only had to use one safety pin to keep it up and I was able to wear my brown blazer and brown boots along with it. It is one of my favorite outfits, as I saw it last Christmas and waited until March for it to go on sale so I could afford it. I do have several more skirts in my closet that will fit me just fine, as I'm not that skinny yet. It is nice to know that I can go into the closet and everything will fit me.

Jonny returned safely from his overnight, announcing that they had not built snow caves nor gone fishing as planned. He was a little disappointed, but said that he was plenty warm at night, whereas some other boys were cold. Jonny is so motivated that he did Wii fit for an hour yesterday, including running 3 miles in 20 minutes. I couldn't believe it -- it looked like he was going to wear a hole in the carpet! He likes the incentive system on the Wii Fit and is always trying to get more points so he can unlock more games and activities.

Nathan was gone all afternoon at a birthday party which featured Kangaroo Zoo, the kids blow up slide and jumping place. Brenton went to a stake dance around 8:45 and I fell asleep before he got home. I had a nap yesterday and I went to bed on time so I wouldn't be too tired to attend church. Both Brenton and Jonny got to pass the sacrament today. David drove me home during Sunday School, as my stomach was hurting. I need to eat small snacks more often to keep my stomach calm. While home, I put some salmon and rice in the oven to cook (salmon my mom bought when she was here) and so when the kids got home, the dinner was almost ready.

After dinner, David went to one of his home teaching families where the 8 year old Joseph had injured his eye yesterday while fooling around after his gymnastics class. I guess Joseph and some other kids where bouncing and throwing pieces of carpet around and one of them hit Joseph in the eye and cut it and the eye was bleeding. According to the Dr. he may heal just fine, but there is also the possibility of losing his eyesight in that eye. Right now he has a plastic bubble over the eye to protect it.

January 16

2009-01-16T17:11:00.002-07:00

I feel like I am still celebrating! I started getting gifts on Monday and that has continued until today, Thursday. I had one of the best birthdays ever, mostly because I felt so remembered and loved by so many friends and family members. The stake RS presidency brought me some balloons and a candle. Sister Jolly bought me flowers, David brought me flowers and another neighbor brought me some lovely calla lilies. Lilies, of all types are my favorite flowers. Another friend in our ward offered to do our laundry for us, and she gave me a cd and some cute socks. Julie and Chrissie took me to lunch and gave me some nice gifts: a CD, a game, some scented soap, a book and some activities to do with the kids. David came home from work early and brought dinner with him. I took a nap for a while and then we had dinner as a family. The boys all did their chores and homework and we watched another episode of Little House on the Prairie, like we have been doing every night before we go to bed.

I took my last dose of Xeloda yesterday. I'm still a little nauseated today, but I feel like I'm getting a little stronger each day. This morning I went to visit my friend in the ward, Janet Harr. She had a mastectomy and radiation about 2 years ago. She was really supportive for me when I was struggling with treatment decisions and when I felt sick. She gave me 2 hats when I turned bald and she gave me a book. It turns out that just recently, her cancer came back and appeared as lesions on her liver, just like I started out with a year ago. The neat thing is that she left Dr. Breyer's practice as well and went to my new doctor, due to my recommendation of Dr. Shehadeh. She is pleased with him and says he helped give her new hope. She just started her chemotherapy last month, so now she is bald again, for the second time. I brought her a bandana and I showed her my black hat with the fall which looks like bangs. She and I had a good talk, as we are both in the same "boat." She also just got a gift of a yorkie puppy who is cute and little and soft. I invited Janet to come over next week and watch the recording I made of Patrick Swayze's interview with Barbara Walters. I found it very inspiring.

Six other ladies in the ward took me to lunch at China Isle this afternoon. We each ordered a different dish and then passed them around the table, family style. I even ordered a take out entree of my favorite mango chicken. One of the ladies brought me a present of some lovely scrapbooking papers and a bunch of little jars of colored glitter. I look forward to using them next week when I am feeling better.

Well, my brother Dave just arrived for a visit. He loves Sandi and nicknames her "crazy pooch." Jonny went on a campout tonight, sleeping in a snow cave and going ice fishing, so just Nathan and Brenton are here. I can hear them downstairs inviting David to play a Wii game with them.
I'll write more later!
Emilee

January 14th

2009-01-14T17:11:00.003-07:00

My blood counts are fine. according to the doctor's office. I will just blame my fatigue on the chemotherapy and indeed I have been feeling a little bit better each day. Yesterday I received some birthday presents! My kids were thrilled to open the Wii Sports from a family member. Then I used my birthday money to purchase the Wii Fit program. So far, it has been a great motivator for the kids to do their chores and homework. I have only let them use the Fit program so far, as I want them to get used to it and keep working on it regularly. It has some programs with exercises, but mostly the kids like the balance games, like skiing or soccer, where they play by shifting their balance on the board (a white platform that interacts with the tv and senses your weight and balance.)

I'm looking forward to taking my last Xeloda pill tomorrow and I'll be going out to lunch for my birthday. I don't think I'll have any other celebration that evening, but maybe David and I can go out this weekend. Some friends in the ward are taking me out to lunch on Friday. I'm thinking of going to China Isle to get my favorite mango chicken. I'll be 37 tomorrow. When I turned 35, David had a big surprise party for me, which was dinner and a private concert by pianist Jon Schmidt, my favorite composer ( I have all his piano books and like to play them myself.) Those are fun memories.

Today my jaw is hurting, which means my TMJ is acting up. I'll be going to the chiropractor in the morning. Otherwise, my pain is pretty much under control. A lady in our ward called today to see if she can do our laundry, so she is coming to pick it up tomorrow. What a nice service!

Brenton had his first guitar class yesterday. He is really excited to learn how to play the guitar that David has had for about 8 years. Brenton has also started staying after school for play practice, as he is going to be in the Wizard of Oz. Today, I told him his chore was to make dinner, so hopefully he is starting that about now. I can hear someone in the kitchen, at least.

I am still very grateful that I haven't been terribly sick during my treatments. I can't really accomplish much when I feel sick, but on my weeks off I can go out and enjoy more things.
Bye for now,
Emilee

P.S. Jonny's big snow cave collapsed. I think he tried to make it too big. We haven't had too many huge storms, so much of the snow outside is crusty. I'm sure he'll get another chance to sleep in a snow cave this winter.

Monday January 12th

2009-01-12T21:21:00.002-07:00

Yesterday morning, David woke me briefly at 8 AM and asked if I wanted to get up for church. I told him no and went back to sleep. The next thing I heard were kids coming in the front door. I wondered "Why aren't the kids at church?" I looked at the clock and it said 12 :15. I can't believe I slept so long without waking up. The hometeacher came over to bring me the sacrament after church. David attended a board of review for Jonny to get his Life scout award. Now Jonny only needs to wait 6 months before he is eligible to become an eagle scout. Brenton needs to watch out, as his brother might beat him to it! Also on Sunday we received the gift of a large family photo, the same photo that is at the top of this blog. It must be 16 by 24 at least, and it has a beautiful wood frame. David said the priests in our ward made the frame themselves, putting it together and staining it a nice walnut brown. We put it on the wall facing the door as you are going upstairs.

The rest of Sunday I felt tired and a little lightheaded. I have only a few more days to take the Xeloda pills, but I haven't had as much nausea as before, or else I am just better at managing the medication. I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I got out of breath just climbing up the stairs and I was ready to take a nap an hour after I woke up. I called the oncologist's office and they ordered a blood test. Jennie came over today, so she drove me over the AF hospital for the test. No one called me this afternoon from the doctor's office (if they did, it could have been during the 3 hours I was taking a nap!) I'm doing a little better this evening after my nap in the afternoon. While here, Jennie made some potato corn chowder from a recipe I gave her. It was nice to wake up from my nap at 5:30 and have something to eat. The rest of the family ate around 6:30 when David got home.

Tomorrow I hope to hear from the Dr. if I need a shot or maybe a blood transfusion. Maybe I just need extra rest to build up my blood cells again. I reserved some flights for our family to visit San Diego at the end of the month. I am also in the process of renting a 2 bedroom cottage near the beach. We plan to take the kids out of school and visit places like Sea World, the zoo, Legoland, etc. I should be feeling even better by then, so I can enjoy myself. I'll make an appointment to visit the oncologist as soon as we're back, then I'll find out my test results and what treatment he recommends.

I've been using my little light box every day or so. I am still in good spirits, even though it is the middle of winter. I am grateful for that. I'm also grateful that I haven't had to be hospitalized and I haven't had to fight an infection. I feel very blessed. Ward members continue to remember us and drop by homemade bread, dvds and things like that. Thanks to everyone!
Emilee

Saturday January 10th

2009-01-10T20:34:00.002-07:00

I've been sick most of the week, but I hope next week will be better. I haven't been out of the house since Thursday afternoon when Elaine took me to the Dr. and shopping. She brought us dinner that night. On Friday after school, Brenton spent some time at his friend Skyler's house, where his mother taught Brenton how to make homemade chicken and noodle soup. In fact, Brenton got to help Sister Pierce as she mixed and rolled out the thin dough which they cut in strips to boil in the soup. They also baked us a cake for dessert and Brenton helped them deliver everything in time for dinner.

The kids are doing well. David took them to rec center today, after going to Wal Mart to get some racquetballs. They were also able to do some swimming. I just stayed home and ate leftover chicken soup. With the homemade noodles it was quite filling just to eat a small bowl. Another ward member brought us over some ice cream after the pack meeting on Thursday, so our freezer is full of meals and desserts.

After dinner, we played a family game, Jr. Scattergories. It was just a bit too hard for Nathan, so I let him tell me some of his answers and I wrote them down, and I filled in any blanks for him. Instead of timing the round, we just waited until most of us were done writing, then we went around and read our answers. I'm really looking forward to finding more games that Nathan can play with us so he doesn't feel left out.
I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight so I will be able to go to church. We'll see how i do,
Emilee

Thursday January 8th

2009-01-08T17:55:00.002-07:00

The mystery is solved! For the past few days I have been struggling to keep my pain under control. It turns out when David put the patch on my back on Sunday night, he put it in one place, then took it off and put it on another. By moving it, the patch lost some of its ability to stick to my skin and deliver the pain medicine. Luckily the new patch I got last night worked fine and I didn't have to wake up to the morning in pain.

I went to visit my pain doctor, Dr. Garner, today. When I told him how much liver pain I was having, he wondered if the pain was caused by old issue breaking up or if it could be that my disease is spreading. I have a PET scan on January 20th, so I could probably meet with the oncologist and find out the results at the end of the week. I mentioned to Dr. Garner that I was hoping to take the kids on a little trip, for a few days in southern California. Here was his advice: decide ahead of time if I want to know the results of my test or if I want to wait until I am back from spending time with my family and find out then.

A short trip with my family would be my birthday present, to celebrate turning 37. When I go out with my family it should be to celebrate life, not worry about death. Just like at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I will most likely be feeling better during that extra week after my treatment. I don't know yet what we will do or where we will go, but the social worker at the clinic has contacts like organizations and businesses who will donate airfare or hotel time . I want my kids to have happy memories of our time together instead of memories of hospitals and staying in bed all day. My focus needs to be on healing and not on how I am going to pay the bills from the new oncologist and from my expensive tests and treatments.

I am dealing with heavy burdens, but many people are stepping in to help make those burdens lighter. Thank you again.
Emilee

Wednesday January 7th

2009-01-07T19:08:00.002-07:00

I've been too sick to do much except read or watch TV. We had helpers both yesterday afternoon and today -- a RS sisters who helped keep the kids on track with their chores and homework. I've had more pain than nausea, so I will discuss this with Dr. Garner tomorrow. When I take extra pain pills, they work but leave me groggy, so I end up dozing all day. We have plenty of leftovers to heat up for dinner. Well, that's about it. Hopefully I'll be doing better soon.
Emilee

Sunday January 4th

2009-01-04T14:39:00.002-07:00

Our church schedule changed today. We go at 9 AM so everyone has to be up and organized in the morning, just like for school. David let me sleep until 8:30 AM and I got up and took my pills, had a bagel and was at church by 8:50. Our sacrament meeting was spiritual and I'm glad I was able to attend. I went home after that to take the rest of my pills and to rest.

Tomorrow the kids start their school schedule again. I'm feeling ok, just the same side effects as before, taking just the same medicine. I feel grateful the children had such a fun time this past week, playing with friends every day and enjoying every minute of their Christmas break. David did some organizing and cleaning yesterday, so even our house is in good order. Also yesterday I received a little Apollo "Go Light" which is supposed to help mimic sunlight in the winter. It is small and chargeable, about the size of a portable cd player.

Yesterday afternoon I sorted photos in my scrapbook room. Just going downstairs to look at albums and photos cheers me up, so my goal is to do a little bit each day. I'm 2 years behind on all of the albums, as I haven't felt well all year. It's hard to believe that March will be the 2 year anniversary of starting chemotherapy. In February it will have been 6 years since I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. In January, I'll have my birthday and turn 37.

I'm hopeful for the new year, but I also am feeling a lot more peace in my life as I read spiritual books in addition to the Ensign and the scriptures. I'm not as scared as I used to me. I know the Lord is watching over me and over my family. I will submit to God's timetable and make my family my priority. I will accept help and service willingly, so that others may be blessed for their service.

Emilee

January 1st, 2009

2009-01-01T21:19:00.002-07:00

Happy New Year everyone! Even though it was my treatment day yesterday, the 31st, David took me out to dinner with the boys in the late afternoon so we avoided the huge dinner crowds. Then we stopped at a mall to pick out one of my Christmas presents: a pound of See's Chocolates. I think it is the first time I have ever ordered a pound of just my own favorites, so every piece was a real treat for me. You can always tell how well my stomach feels by whether I'm up to eating candy or not!

The meeting with Dr. Shehadeh went as expected. My bloodwork and tests appear to be stable and I am tolerating the treatments well. I haven't had to get a blood transfusion or take antibiotics for an infection. My pain is still mostly under control, though my liver is still hard and presses on my stomach, causing nausea. On Jan. 19th we scheduled a PET scan which should give the most recent indicator of my condition. After that, I'd love to take a few days and go off with David and the boys to celebrate my birthday. I'm having fun just thinking of a few places we could visit as soon as I start to feel better again.

Thank you, Becky and Laurie for the offer of a light box. Please bring or send one as soon as you can and I can even help you cover some of the cost. I want to start out the month being positive so I don't end up down in the dumps later on.

The boys have been playing video games and playing with friends the whole week long. I know they have enjoyed this break from school. Even Nathan has been invited over to several families where they fed him and played with him. This really makes me grateful.

Another surprise I had when I got up from my nap this afternoon. David and the boys had taken down the Christmas tree and put everything away in the basement, except a few wintery decorations that David wants to keep up. The living room is back to its usual configuration and the house looks clean and neat. I got to stay home and rest all day while David brought the kids over to my brother Dave's then he brought home dinner from his mom's house. I always feel well-remembered whenever I read this blog or listen to messages. It helps me to still feel connected to the world. A year ago, when we had to disconnect our cable for several months, I noticed a big difference because I felt isolated at home. Watching my new favorite travel shows is like bringing the whole world's culture right to my living room. I have had a greater thirst for knowledge lately, knowing that is one thing I can take with me when I pass on.

I put a new photo up at the bottom of this page on the blog. It was taken the Sunday before Christmas. Also, David opened my donation account with $1.00 to start with. I'll be using any of the donation money for Dr. and prescription co-pays, not to mention the insurance premiums themselves. You can call 1-800-USBanks and have them look up my name. Also the account number is on the right side of the screen on this blog.

I enjoy writing, as it is a good way for me to express myself and also to get feedback from others. Thanks for reading!
Emilee

Tuesday December 30th

2008-12-30T12:49:00.003-07:00

I feel like my life is full of ups and downs. I was happy to go to a movie and dinner last night with our whole family and 3 more of the boys' friends (yes, one of them was a girl). The movie Marley and Me wasn't too exciting and fabulous, but it was sweet and had some very good messages about family and love. I cried at the end when they had to say goodbye to their beloved pet, but it did make me appreciate coming home to my own smaller yellow lab and cuddling her. I also was thankful that my Sandi is better behaved than the Marley in the movie. She got over her chewing fetish at the end of her puppy phase. Yesterday the children all had friends over to play until the afternoon, when I sent them home and tried to nap a bit. Even David had a load closing yesterday and has another one today, so that makes me grateful.

One of Nathan's chores this morning was to go get the mail (you have to walk 2 houses up the hill through the snow.) You can imagine that we had a lot of Christmas cards to read. Lately I've been feeling sentimental and I've been remembering the past Christmases we have had. I used to be one of those dedicated card senders that had a cute letter and beautiful photo to mail to my extended family and friends. That tradition has died away as I've been getting sicker every year. When I read the beautiful letters and photos that appeared in our mailbox, I couldn't help but mourn for a chance to lead a normal life again, instead of my constant ups and downs. I am letting myself cry about it and trying to realize that all of these beautiful families have their own trials and challenges. I am trying to remember the many blessings that I still receive and I know that Heavenly Father hasn't overlooked our family.

Even though I know my job is to get better and rest, I still feel like I should be doing so much more to teach my children and and watch over them. I have to trust in others that they will do this for me when I am too sick. I know there are ward members and extended family and friends who are helping to have a good influence on my boys, giving the big boys snow shoveling jobs to earn some money, or inviting Nathan to come and play at your house and giving him plenty of hugs and attention (just spare the treats, as he needs to fit in his clothes!) David really does take good care of me. He calls often during the day, picks up items at the store when needed, takes the boys on outings and helps put them to bed each night. Mostly at night is when I get a chance to lie down with one of my boys and hug them and talk to them. I'm grateful for those tender moments and that they don't feel too old to be tucked in by their mom.

It is normal for me to be emotional on the last day before my treatment. I first started chemotherapy in March of 2007 and have pretty much been going the whole time, except a 3 month break in the fall of 2007. I've had tests, treatments or doctors visits every month of 2008. I always have the hardest time keeping my spirits up in the winter. I am hoping to find a light box or lamp that I can use every day since there is not as much sunlight in the winter. I am also hoping to teach my boys how to prepare more meals, including making me some fruit and protein smoothies which are healthy and go down easily when I have nausea.

Well, I feel like I've gone on long enough today. We don't have any New Year's plans, except to eat our gingerbread house on New Year's Day. Brenton gets to go to a youth dance tonight. I can't believe he'll be 15 in only 6 weeks. Speaking of birthdays, mine is coming in 2 weeks and I'll be 37 and just a few years short of 40. Maybe after this next cycle of treatment I'll be up to going somewhere to celebrate my birthday. It helps me to look forward to happy things.

Emilee

Sunday December 28th

2008-12-28T23:16:00.003-07:00

Relief, at last! I have felt marginally well this week, enough to go out on some errands and enjoy Christmas eve at David's parents. I felt ok on Christmas and was grateful. When I felt sick on Friday I was afraid I would always be dealing with nausea and never get a break. Well, some of your prayers must have worked because I was better on Saturday and up to some shopping and going out to lunch with my mom. Today was great as well, since I attended tithing settlement, all 3 hours of church, and also attended an eagle scout court of honor for Sam and Julie's son Adam in the evening. I am always thrilled when I can get up and do things and when I feel well enough to eat things, since I often don't have much of an appetite. Alas, my time is short before I have to start my next 3 week cycle of chemo on Wednesday.

After the next 3 weeks, I'll have a PET scan and the oncologist can determine whether to continue or change my treatment regimen. I get worn out after all of the ups and downs of my medication cycle. I'm hoping to borrow or buy a special lamp (like from Apollo light systems) which simulates the sun and helps people in northern climates with SAD or seasonal affective disorder. I always feel more depressed in January and February, mostly because of the dreary weather and the long long winter. I'm hoping to keep my spirits up if I am going to have the energy to fight my illness as long as I can. I think that God is sending some angels on earth to care for me and answer my prayers. Thanks for all of your cheery comments, too.
Emilee

Friday December 26th

2008-12-26T12:52:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was fun and relaxing. also a little busy, as my parents dropped in to visit. My dad had just arrived Wednesday night after driving all day from California. Then, because of the weather, he thought he might have to leave today to avoid storms in the Sierras. I was sad that I only got a short time to talk to him and see him, so I asked him to think of staying here a little longer and then going home via the southern route, so they could avoid the Sierra mountains. Fortunately he called later last evening and said he was willing to stay for 2 more days. Now, I am standing right next to my dad and I really glad that he decided to stay because I miss him when my mom is here and he is in California. So that was kind of a Christmas blessing for me.

I've still be having struggles with nausea. I am afraid it might be because my liver is getting swollen again and presses against my stomach. I'm feeling sentimental over the holidays, because I worry that it will be my last Christmas with my family. I'm scheduled to meet with my oncologist on Wednesday and I'll probably start my next 3 week cycle of chemo. After that, Dr. Shehadeh said he'd order a pet scan, which is more comprehensive and will give him a good view of the extent of my illness.

Much of my worry pertains to my children. I still want to enjoy time with them and play games and go on outings with them, but all of these things are harder to do when I am sick. I want to take care of the children, but at this point it might be the lesson they need to learn to take care of their mother. Perhaps they can learn compassion service and obedience that they might not learn any other way.

I'm reading a book called Mary and Joseph which is a fictionalized story of Christ's birth. It has brought me great comfort to read about our Savior and his life.
Enjoy your holidays. My boys are happy putting together their legos and playing with new gadgets.
Emilee

Tuesday December 23rd

2008-12-23T16:57:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was the boys' first vacation day from school. They spent it climbing around in the snow and the playing video games with their friends. Jennie came over in the morning and took Nathan and Jonny to look at a cat in Orem she's planning to buy after christmas. Then, once Nathan got home and packed his clothes, he went with Jennie up to stay with her for 2 nights.
Brenton and Jonny got invited to a friend's house in the evening, so they had a nice time there.

This morning I woke up with pink eye, of all things. I was able to use my prescription from last time I had that and it seems to be getting better. I'm glad the David's work is getting slower, since he was able to drive the boys over to Greg's to shovel snow this morning, as well as do some shopping. In the afternoon, David was gone, so the boys stayed home, but my friend Cindy and her husband drove me to a few places so I was able to pick up what I hope is the end to all of my Christmas shopping!

This past week I have had a problem with break through pain, meaning the amount of pain I feel even by taking my patch and pills. I was able to talk to Dr. Garner this morning and he reassured me that he wanted to help me and to give me a few suggestions to help me get my pain under control. This issue made me wonder if my body is just getting used to the patch and so it is not as effective over time, or if my pain from my illness is getting greater than the patch's ability to control it.

We've enjoyed the many carolers as well as those who have brought us sweet treats for the holidays. Thank you for these pleasures and treats and cards that make me smile and help me to remember to focus on Christmas and not on my illness.
Emilee
Emilee

Sunday December 21st

2008-12-21T18:32:00.002-07:00

We're back! David and I spent 2 relaxing nights at a bed and breakfast. We were served breakfast in bed and had hot cocoa and herbal tea every evening. We had been to Haxton Manor in Salt Lake before, but there were a couple things that I didn't like much. This time, everything went perfectly and we were able to go out on Saturday and do some Christmas shopping. In the evening we attended a play called "It's a Wondrous Life" which was a parody of Its a wonderful life. It was amusing and had many plays on words and other jokes. I was really blessed that I felt well enough to go out with David and celebrate our anniversary, especially since I've been feeling sick today and barely made it to sacrament meeting. We got home in time for church and my mom reported that everything went fine while we were gone.

The kids have no school for 2 weeks. I think they'll enjoy sledding and playing with friends. Jonny has already built a snow fort in the back yard and he eventually wants to sleep there every night that I allow him. I'll feel safer if Sandi sleeps with him, as she can alert us to any problems. We don't have any big plans for Christmas day and David is taking a few days off work, so I guess we'll just enjoy being together as a family and making memories. I'd like to teach the older boys how to cook a few more dinner dishes, so they can cook when I'm not feeling well. I need the children to learn to take more responsibilities.
Good wishes to every one of my readers!
Emilee

Thursday December 18th

2008-12-18T19:51:00.002-07:00

Happy 39th anniversary to my parents! Meanwhile, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy anniversary tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting out and spending some time with my husband. It is hard to be romantic very often as we are all distracted by the children and work and being busy each day.

Also, I appreciate how many of you reassured me about being a good parent. I was extremely self motivated as a child and I also felt pressure to get the best grades in school, and to get ahead. As a parent, I have to realize that my boys are smart, but not necessary as motivated about grades or as skilled as I was in certain areas. I should be grateful that they all work hard when they are at school and they have good behavior, even though their homework is not always done. I am the sort of personality where I feel guilty if I do and guilty if I don't, so I have to reassure myself that we are all just doing the best we can and I can't worry about things I can't fix.

Also, after reading the comments lately, I feel humbled by the love and encouragement from my friends and family and acquaintances who are praying for me and following my story. I enjoyed having my Aunt Linda and cousin Chrissie over for lunch today. They brought me hugs and gifts and I felt grateful for their love. The area under our Christmas tree was empty until last night when Len and Elaine came by and brought us dinner and some presents as well. We've received several gifts from family members which we have put under the tree and look forward to opening in just one week.

Yesterday I took my last Xeloda pill, so I am feeling slightly better today. I don't have to go back in for chemo until December 31st. What a way to start the new year, right? Meanwhile, I am trying to put thoughts of illness out of my mind and concentrate on my family and enjoying the holiday. By the way, thanks to my neighbor who shovelled our driveway yesterday! Tonight our home teacher is coming to fix the deadbolt on our front door.

I recorded an episode of America's Funniest Videos the other day and we watched it tonight with the kids. It was fun just to have something to laugh about. So here's the challenge: If any of you have some funny videos or dvds, it would cheer me up to watch them. My friend Janet lent me the first season of the I Love Lucy show. I watched it during the 3 days we were up at family camp in July and I rarely stepped out of the trailer because I felt so sick all day. Watching the dvd was a blessing for me to keep my spirits up.

David and I are going out to celebrate our anniversary for the weekend, but I'll try to get in a post or two while we are gone. Happy holidays, everyone.
Emilee

Tuesday December 16th

2008-12-16T21:23:00.002-07:00

I haven't been out much lately, except to the chiropractor on Monday morning. I refilled my prescriptions at the same time and my mom went grocery shopping for me. It has been fun to have her do the cooking because she has more time and energy to create delicious meals, even ones that the children have rarely had because I don't cook them. One example was last night. We had pork chops with abples on top and sweet potatoes with a orange sauce. That was a little overwhelming for Nathan, as it was 2 new foods to try. I convinced him to eat the pork by taking off the apples and having him use barbecue sauce, but I didn't have much luck with the yams. Even David hasn't liked yams for years, but when he tried my mom's he actually liked them. How nice it is that we are having pleasant new food experiences in contrast to this show I like on the Travel Channel called Bizarre Foods. I get a big kick out of how many strange things this guy is willing to try in countries and cultures all over the world. Can you tell I've been watching a little too much tv?

I'm hoping to feel better by the weekend, as David and I celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary on Friday. How convenient that we have my mom here to babysit! Many times we'll go out without a sitter, but it is comforting to know that mom is there to watch over everything. I'm still looking forward to doing some Christmas shopping, as soon as I can go out. Right now, I've been doing a few small things, such as paying bills and writing cards and if I do any walking around, my stomach hurts and I have to lie down again. I guess the positive side of being sick after chemotherapy is the surety that just as I felt worse in the middle of the cycle, now I should continue getting a little better near the end of the 3 weeks (which is actually a week from tomorrow)

I asked Brenton last night to bring me the paper describing his musical composition project in his choir class. Not only had he missed turning in the rough draft, but he was already late on the final draft (which I found out later that the date had been postponed and now it's not late.) Still I was pretty mad at Brenton because he hasn't been writing his homework in his planner and he needs to take more accountability to do his homework or ask us for help, if necessary. I had the school counselor talk to him, but hopefully he'll turn around and start caring more about school. I always wonder how much my illness affects my children. Sometimes I blame myself for not teaching them to organize their homework or for not keeping track each day what needs to be done. Jonny is also learning the need for his planner, since he went from 6th grade into 7th which is now middle school and he has many classes and many different teachers.

Today has been pretty typical in which I take my pills in the morning and generally feel well, but my stomach gets worse at lunch and all the way into the evening, so I never feel like eating much dinner. Taking a nap in the afternoon also helps my stomach because I wake up feeling better.

That's about all I have to say today!
Emilee

Sunday December 14th

2008-12-14T21:12:00.004-07:00

Today was a spiritual day. In the morning before church, we had a visit from the Stake Presidency. I went to sacrament meeting, came home and had some lunch, then took a nap for the next 2 1/2 hours. When I woke, the children were playing and soon after I got up, my mom came back from her weekend at Daniel's. She told us about all her adventures. I told her some of the questions I had been looking up in the scriptures today and we had a discussion with David. We mostly questioned how to find the will of the Lord and how we should pray to bring our will in correspondence with his.

When Elder Pearson came, our whole family sat in the living room in our church clothes, including my mom. Elder Pearson asked some questions about our family, then we asked him some questions. I asked him about prayers --and he told me that at this point in my life, my goal in prayer is to learn by the spirit what the will of God is for me. Instead of wondering about what to do, the spirit can guide me and comfort me and help me know what to do. I liked that answer. He also gave a Christmas message about the people in the Book of Mormon who received the sign of Christ's birth, right in time to avoid being killed for their beliefs. He told of his son who was born with cancer. They had to fight for 6 years for his life, but he is alive today, ten years later, so I felt like Elder Pearson could really identify with our family's trials. At the beginning of the trial, he felt like if enough people prayed and fasted and if he gave his priesthood blessing, then his son would recover, or at least his tumors would be smaller. When Elder Pearson received bad news from the surgeon, it was like a crisis of faith for him. But, he learned through his prayers that his boy was first Christ's son before he was Elder Pearson's son and the son would have to endure to the end of this trial and no one could change that.

Elder Pearson also asked if he could give me a blessing. It was an honor and of course I said yes. The only question was, should David put the consecrated oil on my wig (which is hard to wash) or through a hat or on my bald head. We went ahead with the wig idea. I felt such a strong spirit from this man who was blessing me in behalf of the Lord. He blessed me with peace of mind and peace of conscience, knowing that if I keep the commandments, the Lord will take care of me and of my family and I won't have to worry about them. He specifically blessed the boys, through me, that they would become strong from this trial and would learn many lessons. He blessed me to have the spirit to know God's will. He blessed me with comfort as the time grows near for me to leave this earth; that our whole family would be comforted as the veil grows thinner. He mentioned there are those waiting to accept me with open arms when I die. He didn't say how long I would live, but he blessed me to have a happy Christmas with my family this month. He reminded me that the Lord loves me and is aware of my needs and he cares about me and about my little family. Also, that I might be an example to others of studying the will of God and accepting it in my life.

Of course all the grown ups in the room were crying, even Elder Pearson. He is tall, but he leaned over and gave all of us a big hug before he left. We have felt his spirit lingering in our home just in the past hour and a half. All of the boys went quickly and quietly to bed, so that David and I can write on our computers about the blessing. I believe that I will have many more times when I am sad, but will be able to remember this blessing and have peace and hope in my heart.
Emilee

Saturday December 13th

2008-12-13T21:41:00.003-07:00

I dreaded having to write this blog because I knew it would make me cry. I have been feeling very sick to my stomach and tired the past 2 days. I threw up my morning pills yesterday because I took them on an empty stomach. I take the anti-nausea drugs, and they do help in genereal, as long as I am lying down. Life here at home keeps going around in a circus with me in the middle of it, watching from my sofa. Yesterday, my mom left to take care of my brother's children for the weekend. Then, David took Brenton and his mom to the Tabernacle Choir concert last night. I stayed home with the younger two.

Today, my brother Dave was so kind to invite my kids over all afternoon and feed them pizza and play video games. My husband had some work to do on his computer, so I took a nap at noon and woke up 3 hours later. We got the kids back tonight and we watched a Hallmark movie called "Front of the Class" where a man with Touretts syndrome wants to become a teacher.

I haven't heard back from Elder Pearson about his schedule, but the stake presidency also wants to come and visit our family before church. The children are all excited to meet a member of the Seventy, if he is able to come tomorrow.

There are times like this week when I feel utterly helpless, except to ask the Lord for comfort. I acknowlede that his will will be done in every situation, so I don't pray to be relieved of my burdens, only that I might be able to bear them. With this philosophy in mind, I have been wondering:If I want to give my life up to the Lord, what is the purpose in praying for a miracle, and then be dissappointed when it doesn't happen? Basically, who am I to petition the lord for a situation when he already knows what the outcome will be? Isn't asking for a miracle the opposite of giving your will to the Lord?

I'll be asking some of those questions tomorrow and I'll let you know what happens.
Emilee

Thursday December 11th

2008-12-11T11:40:00.003-07:00

Maybe I spoke too soon on Tuesday when I mentioned that I had been managing my symptoms. Yesterday (Wed.) was the worst day I have felt so far in this treatment cycle. I had hoped on Tuesday evening to attend the ward dinner, but I felt pretty sick to my stomach and I also didn't feel like dressing up and sitting around a table and talking to people. I stayed home with Nathan and Jonny, while Brenton went over to the dinner with the other youth who were serving the adults. Then I woke up feeling pretty sick on Wednesday, yesterday.

I took a long nap yesterday afternoon and when I got up, the children and my mom had completed a gingerbread house, each side decorated by one of them and the roof topped with necco candies for shingles. They had a chimney with a gelly santa poised to come down, plus a walkway made of smarties and even a green jelly wreath hanging on one of the walls. Mom spent all morning baking the gingerbread and she even thought ahead to bring a couple of the ingredients with her, plus the template to cut out the walls and roof, etc. It was a tradition at my house growing up, so I appreciated mom teaching my children how to carry on the tradition. I told the kids they could eat it on New Year's Day, just as my family had done.

I am now starting my second week of taking the oral chemotherapy, Xeloda. I think I would feel a lot less nausea if I didn't have to take those pills each day. In one week, I'll be done with the pills and then I hope to be feeling better before Christmas. I haven't done any Christmas shopping, but I am hoping to get out next week and buy some gifts. We continue to get small gifts from our neighbors and church members. Monday night, a family came to deliver some banana bread and their children sang us some Christmas carols. Yesterday some girls brought us cookies as their activity days project. My boys are always delighted to get sweets, since I don't buy many and we don't usually eat dessert. We always feel supported and remembered by the ward members.

I am feeling a little sad today, because I am thinking of all the things I can't do or enjoy because I am sick. For example, we were offered tickets to the Tabernacle Choir concert on Friday, but I knew I would feel too sick to attend. I am also sad that Brenton and Jonny are behind in some of their school classes. They got really bad midterm reports and I feel like it is all my fault because I haven't monitored their homework and assigments enough. Also, I feel like the boys are stressed because I am sick, so they worry about me and have to answer questions at school and church about how I'm doing, only they don't know what to say. My future health is always up in the air, since we don't know if I'll get better or if I will most likely decline until I die from liver failure. It is scary for the whole family when we worry about the worst outcome, meanwhile we have to press forward with faith, and count the blessings we have. I suppose my times of tears and worry should be allowed, as long as I remember the bright side and have hope in Christ. I'm still reading my book, "When you can't do it alone, take the Savior's hand." I've felt peace from reading that book, as well as from reading the recent conference talks and marking the words that inspire me.

A member of the Quorum of the Seventy, Kevin Pearson, is coming on Sunday to give me a blessing. I'd like to record it and have it to remember over and over, after he leaves. A family member told him about my illness and he called yesterday to set up a time to visit. I feel very humbled, that he would be willing to come and see our little family. He was so kind on the phone to ask me questions, and I must have sounded awful because I got emotional and started crying and blowing my nose. At least I now have something to look forward to, when he comes on Sunday. On Sunday, when I attend church, it is nice to be able to put my wig on and dress up and try to forget that I am sick and bald. Even if I have to rest right up until church begins, I do my best to take medication, put on my clothes and make it through sacrament meeting before I have to come home and take a nap. Perhaps when our ward schedule changes in January, the meetings won't conflict with my nap time!

It was helpful to let some of my feelings out today. Since I changed doctors, I no longer have free counseling available, but perhaps I can find a substitute. David wants me to ask my Dr. about a prescription for hospice care, which could provide our family with grief counseling and similar services. Thanks to everyone who reads this and to those who provide comforting comments and greetings. It is nice to know that so many people are thinking about me.
Emilee

Tuesday September 9th

2008-12-09T17:13:00.002-07:00

Things are going smoothly here, as mom is keeping the household (and the kids) in good order. I feel blessed that my side effects from the chemo are mostly under contol. When I have fatigue, I can rest or take a nap. When my stomach hurts, I take my medications and sip on sprite. When my throat hurts, I can use my magic mouthwash. As long as I lie down and rest, I seem to feel pretty well. I have enjoyed reading and watching some recorded holiday shows on TV. With the dvr feature on cable, I can look at the TV menu for the whole day and press record for any show, then the next day I can watch the show and fast forward the commercials. I can also record movies that are edited for television, so I don't even need to rent or buy dvds.

So far this week, I've only gone out once, to the chiropractor. Tonight our ward is having a catered dinner for adults, so I might go for a little while. I have been feeling more positive lately, as my illness has not been getting worse. Also, my pain is under control and I am more comfortable. It is my goal to start feeling better enough to do some scrapbooking again. That always makes me feel good, to look at photos and remember fun times our family has had together.

Thanks for your prayers. I think they seem to be working!
Emilee

Sunday December 7th

2008-12-07T11:11:00.002-07:00

The Christmas spirit has arrived at our house this weekend! We have all of our decorations up, we have my parents staying with us, we are having a family dinner tonight and we went to the Festival of Trees yesterday. So far I've been blessed with mild symptoms from the chemotherapy that I had on Wednesday. I was able to take my medicine and go with my family up to Sandy to see the movie Bolt. It was really cute! Then we went to the Sandy Expo Center to see the Festival of Trees. The whole huge building was full with uniquely decorated and themed Christmas trees, as well as a gingerbread village, several aisles of wreaths and centerpieces and other donated items, like children's play cottages and a playset. Everything at the festival is donated and then people go to purchase the items with all of the funds going to Primary Children's Medical Center. On each end of the building they had live entertainment; on one side was also a kids' fun center and the other had a gift boutique. Fortunately the boys and David were able to push me in the wheelchair the whole time so I didn't get too worn out. As it was, after dinner I pretty much had to go up to my room and rest and go to sleep early.

I'm planning to attend Sacrament meeting today. I'm resting right now, then I'll get up right before church and put on my clothes, so I'll have enough energy to go. This morning my throat has been hurting and I have had some nausea and fatigue, but I am staying on top of my symptoms. My friend Rebecca asked me to tell about controlling the symptoms of chemo, since she has a friend who has to get treated. Each drug I have tried has different side effects, some right away, some more than others, etc. My last drug used to make me feel sick to my stomach the day I got it. A friend told me to bring ginger ale and saltines to munch on during the treatment. I use Sprite or soda at home when my stomach hurts, which is usually several days after my treatment. The Dr. prescribes an infusion of anti-nausea medicine on the day I get my treatment, so that helps me out at the beginning. Then, I try to take my anti-nausea medicines on a schedule, otherwise I can get feeling really sick while I wait for a pill to work. For my mouth sores and sore throat I got a prescription for "magic mouthwash" which has benedryl and mylanta and lidocaine in it. For cold sores, I use Neosporin lip treatment. For aches and pains, I have a prescription for pain medicine, but have also used Advil for muscle aches. I guess the worst side effects (other than hair loss) are just nausea and fatigue. When I don't feel like eating, a smoothie is my favorite drink, also yogurt or ice cream. I like mashed potatoes and other creamy soups that are easy to get down. Thank goodness the anti-nausea drugs make you sleepy, so then you can go to sleep and wake up feeling better.

So, since my blog is my gratitude journal, I will say that I am grateful that I am not terribly sick so far, even with an increase in my dosage of the chemo pill, Xeloda. I am grateful that my mom is staying to help take care of me and my family. It provides me with peace of mind to know that my only responsibility is to rest and get better. David is taking care of the financial needs of our family and is able to focus on his work instead of taking care of the children. I've been reading the book "When you can't do it alone, take the Savior's hand." I also enjoyed reading some of the conference talks from October. They help me build my faith and calm my fear.
Emilee

Friday December 5th

2008-12-05T18:54:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday to my dad today. I'll get to hug him in person when he arrives tomorrow. So far, I've been feeling pretty well since my treatment on Wednesday. I just have some fatigue and nausea. My medicine makes me sleepy, so sometimes I'll sit down to read and find myself dozing off. My Relief Society president drove me to the pain management Dr. yesterday and that was helpful, to be able to regulate my medication.

Today I felt about the same. In the morning, the Stake Relief Society presidency came by to help me decorate our house for Christmas. My kids had already put up the tree and hung the ornaments the night before, so the ladies hung garlands and wreaths and set up my nativity and other decorations. They even brought music and chocolate. Marlene Black, the president, brought me a pan of cake and a pan of cornbread and returned later in the afternoon with a pot of stew for our dinner. In addition, today we recieved the proceeds of a fundraiser held at Lincoln Academy in my honor. Mrs. Parker brought over the many coins and bills that people donated and it touched my heart to be remembered in this way. I will now be able to pay off the oncologist's bill that has been gathering interest all year long. It is a blessing when I don't have to worry about finances, in addition to the stress of my illness.

Just like my last post, I feel much gratitude in my heart and I also am starting to feel more hope and less fear. I know that I'll be feeling worse over the next week or so, but I believe I can tolerate my side effects better when I have a happier outlook and a lot of encouragement from my support system, those nearby and those farther away. In addition, our family watched the new dramatization of President Hinckley's life, over the past 2 evenings. Our neighbors lent us the movie and it brought a good spirit into our home.

May you also have the blessings of the Holy Spirit in your home, during this season of Christmas.
Emilee

Wednesday December 3rd

2008-12-03T22:23:00.003-07:00

Today I am grateful that I was able to attend Brenton's choir concert last night and Jonny's band concert tonight. I was proud to see them on stage and they did a great job and are growing into such talented teen agers. Another miracle occured yesterday when I realized we were almost out of toilet paper and my cousin Chrissie asked if she could pick something up from Costo while she was there. How did she know to call me when she did? She even helped me get some more new school pants for Nathan, since he recently outgrew the ones he had. Elaine took me to Salt Lake for my treatment today. When we were almost there, the office called to say that they were waiting for the medication to be delivered via Fed Ex and I should come an hour later. To pass the time, I had Elaine drive up past some of the homes in the avenues and the Federal Heights area. Elaine sat with me the whole 4 hours while the chemo drug dripped through my port, even though I fell asleep and had a nap for half the time. She was cheerful and talkative and I feel so grateful to have her as my mother-in-law. She treats me so well.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the pain Dr. and I only had to call 2 people before I found one willing to drive me. I found out yesterday that the school (Lincoln Academy where I worked part time last year) has been having a fund raiser to earn money to help with my deductibles and out of pocket medical expenses. I feel that even though I have tremendous challenges, the Lord is sending people to help lighten my burden, even through my Dad's encouraging posts and the post from Amadee which reminded me of Viktor Frankl's book that I have read some of and need to get back to reading the rest. Even today, as our neighbor brought a delicious dinner for our family, she also lent us that brand new dvd which is a dramatization of Gordon B. Hinckley's life. Before we watched the video, the boys brought up the Christmas tree and we set it up and put the lights on. This is because several ladies in the Relief Society are coming on Friday to help me with my Christmas decorating. Watching 30 minutes about President Hinckley was a spiritual way to end our day, so I am feeling very grateful right now. I'm feeling more positive about the future and I feel the effects of so many prayers of loved ones around me.

Today I thank the Lord that I have so many friends and family members who love and support me and help buoy my spirits when am frustrated or down. Number one is my husband who gets up and helps the children get ready each day for school so I can sleep in. He calls me often to make sure I'm doing all right and he likes to talk to me about his work and some of the successes that he has there. He helps encourage the boys to do more chores so they can learn to do much of the housework. He also takes the boys on outings and encourages them in their advancement in the boy scout program. I feel like my illness has really given David a chance to shine in our family, as I used to do a lot of the things for the children that David is learning to do. David even helps me in and out of the car each time we go out together, so I hope he passes that politeness down to our boys.

Well, I think I've done enough reminiscing tonight. Until next time...
Emilee

Monday December 1st

2008-12-01T19:28:00.003-07:00

Well, we're back from St. George and doing the regular routine again. The boys especially enjoyed biking and swimming each of the days on our trip, as the weather was perfect in the 60s. We also went to a movie, drove up to the airport on the bluff to see a view of the city, we drove past the temple where it was all lit up for Christmas, we had a special restaurant dinner and we went to see a neat display of real dinosaur tracks that had been discovered only 9 years ago by a farmer in St. George. David cooked the rest of our meals in the trailer and he and the boys took care of everything so I could just rest while they were out. I took part on the driving parts of the trip, but couldn't do the biking or swimming, so at least I had a book to read and a comfortable trailer to rest in.

We got home safely last night and the boys had a good day at school today. I can't believe that Brenton's choir concert is tomorrow night and Jonny's band concert is the day after. Since it is December already, I'll have to enlist some help in getting my holiday decorations up. I'm trying to think of positive things and not worry too much about being sick for the next 2 weeks. I am glad that my mom will be able to come again and take over the household, so I don't need to worry about watching over the kids and making meals, etc. Last time I tolerated the treatment fairly well, meaning I didn't need to get a blood transfusion or take antibiotics for an infection. The Dr. is upping the dosage of the oral pill, so I don't know how this will affect me, but I sure wish the medicine could make me better instead of just keeping my situation the same. I don't think I can go on like this indefinitely, meaning all of the ups and downs of treatment, etc.

Jennie came again today to help me. She always gets me lunch and leaves a dinner for family as well. Today it was lasagna and the children said it was the best lasagna they had ever eaten. Nathan said, "Now I know why Garfield likes to eat lasagna so much!" My children are big fans of Aunt Jennie and Uncle Ryan. Between the 2 of them they can come over and cook anything and fix up your house at the same time!

I know that Heavenly father wants me to learn to ask for and accept help from others. I hope I am learning that lesson well, because I'd like to be done with with this trial, if possible. Otherwise, I'll provide plenty of opportunities for people to serve our family and I know they will be blessed for their efforts as well.
Emilee

Friday November 28th

2008-11-28T19:11:00.002-07:00

Ours wasn't a typical turkey day, but we are enjoying the Thanksgiving weekend. We are in St. George at an RV park and the weather has been nice, around 60 degrees. We packed up on Thursday morning and drove to Cedar City where we stopped to have our Thanksgiving meal at a restaurant. In St. George we found a nice RV park. The boys have enjoyed riding their bikes around the park. There is also a swimming pool here, so David took the boys out while I am writing on the computer.

The appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Shehadeh went fairly well. He said the CT scan indicated that my liver was slightly larger than the last scan. However, my liver enzymes and blood counts have been stable, even slightly improved. So, the Dr. proposed that I take 2 more of the three week treatment cycles, with the same medicine, just a slightly higher dose for the oral pill. Then, he wants to do a PET scan, which is more sensitive and give us a better idea exactly what is going on. So, even though I'm not looking forward to being sick for another six weeks, at least we know that the medication is keeping my disease under control. In fact, the scan indicated that my lungs are clear, so that is nice to know.

I have mixed feelings about doing more treatment, especially when I have a hard time in the winter months to begin with. There is something about Dr. Shehadeh that makes me want to follow his advice. I listen to him and he reassured me that I did a really good job of tolerating the last 3 cycles. After all, I didn't end up with an infection or even with a blood transfusion, the whole time I was undergoing treatment. As time goes on, I'm even learning to anticipate some of the side effects and keep them under better control.

This weekend, our family is together in our trailer, just the 5 of us snuggled up with our dog and watching movies and playing games. Today was our first day here, so we did some exploring around town and we drove around the bluff and up to the airport, which was a gorgeous view of the temple and the town, with more red rocks in the far distance. We found out about a Christmas gift expo, so we went down there to pick out our gifts, literally! Brenton, Jonny and Nathan are all getting Ipod shuffles for Christmas. I got a new mop and sweep system and David got a bottle of special cleaner, for computers, cds, jewelry, glasses, etc.

We came back to the trailer for dinner. Just like last weekend, David has been spoiling me by cooking all the meals and having the boys help him clean up. Every one of the boys, even Sandi, has come to snuggle with me in the big queen bed. I feel grateful to feel well enough to travel. I have been struggling with nausea up until the day we left. Dr. Shehadeh did give me some samples of a strong acid reducer and I think that has helped improve my nausea considerably, also with taking my medicine with food and little by little during the day, instead of all at once. It is nice to take a break from feeling sick. I won't have any more chemo until Wednesday.
Emilee

Tuesday November 25th

2008-11-25T13:21:00.002-07:00

I'm still in limbo, waiting to hear my test results from the Dr. tomorrow. I still feel sick to my stomach, in fact I threw up yesterday morning just 15 minutes after I took my morning pills on an empty stomach. I don't know how many pills got absorbed or if they all turning to liquid. I am still worried about my abdomen where the liver is swollen. I wonder if it is pushing on my stomach or something. I've also had to take more pain medicine, like Advil, so that also might be hurting my stomach some.

Lately I have been really sad and I think of how little I can do compared with the life I used to live. I do count my blessings and I do hope for better days, but I have leave it in the Lord's hands. Today is the kids' last day of school before Thanksgiving break. At least I'll have them around to keep my company and help out around the house, or at least that's the theory.

I'll write tomorrow after I see the Dr. I'm having a friend drive me up to my appointment because Elaine is still helping Len, who has been sick with pneumonia. I here he is improving a little each day. Get well soon, Len! I am grateful for my caregivers and the angels around me helping my family each day.
Emilee

Sunday November 23rd

2008-11-23T19:19:00.002-07:00

A few people have asked me how to access my article and photos that were printed in the Daily Herald on October 26th. I've found that the original link still works. That is: heraldextra.com/breastcancer

After being sick and staying close to home for 2 1/2 weeks, it felt invigorating to have a family outing yesterday. The day was cold and sunny and we drove to Salt Lake. On our way, we drove along 1300 East and saw all of the people dressed in red, walking toward the stadium for the BYU - Utah game. Our destination was the Salt Lake City cemetery. I looked on the internet to find out where Pres. Hinckley's grave was. Unfortunately, I found the cemetery but didn't know the exact place to look when we went there. The afternoon was getting late, so we gave up looking and drove up to Honeyville in northern Utah to camp in our trailer at Crystal Springs.
We arrived around 5 PM and the kids still had enough daylight to ride their bicycles around the campground and float some wood in the pond. David cooked hamburgers, then he took the boys swimming in the hot spring. They also have a colder pool and a waterslide, so Jonny and Nathan used the slide again and again. When David tried the slide, he was surprised to end up in cold water at the end! He had been soaking with Brenton in the hot pool most of the time. I didn't feel like swimming, so I stayed with our dog Sandi in the trailer and read a book.
It was cold in the night, but our trailer stayed warm and toasty. This morning we had breakfast and packed up so we could arrive home before church started at 1 PM. I was able to attend sacrament meeting, then I came home to rest. I've been taking it easy all day and I hope to start feeling better this week. I am glad to have a chance to go out with our family. When we are out in the trailer we are forced to be in close quarters and there aren't so many distractions. The children actually play with each other (meaning they even play with Nathan) and they also learn responsibility when they help David with the hitch or setting up the trailer. I love bringing my own bed and bathroom and kitchen wherever we go, so I have all of the comforts of home. Plus, we can load and unload it at our leisure, unlike going to a hotel when you have to pack your things in the car, take them in the hotel and then repack again to go home. While we are out, I try not to think about my illness, but just enjoy being together as a family.
Emilee

Friday November 21st

2008-11-21T17:16:00.002-07:00

Hello to all of you blog-watchers! I haven't been as diligent in writing in the last couple of days. Thanks to those who left comments, especially my #1 fan, who is my dad. It was a sacrifice for him to let my mom come out to help me and now I'm sending her back to be with her husband again for a while. Mom just left a few minutes ago, and Brenton just made an offhand comment "This is the best our house has looked in a while!" so I know he noticed what a great job Mom did around the house. Mom left plans for Brenton to make hamburgers for dinner, but he decided to make beef burritos instead. Even Jonny got in the cooking spirit, though he stayed home from school with a stomach ache. Jonny is making homemade vanilla ice cream in our ice cream maker.

We are all glad that it is the weekend and we hope to take our trailer out tomorrow night. Soon we'll have to winterize it, unless we take it somewhere warm over the Thanksgiving break. Physically, I am feeling better. I went to the pain doctor, Dr. Garner, yesterday and he helped me regulate the doses of my medicine. So far it is working well. I would like to get to the point in a week or two where I will be able to drive again. One of the hardest things about being sick is that I can't take care of my children. I am worried about my appointment with Dr. Shehadeh on Wednesday. When he tells me the results of my scan, he will either change my medication or keep it the same depending on the test results. Either way, I don't want to have chemotherapy on the day before Thanksgiving, so I am going to postpone any decisions for after the break.

I've been feeling kind of sad this week. Dr. Garner recommended I begin light therapy with a light box, since I often feel depressed in the winter. I can't afford one, but if anyone has one they are willing to let me use, I'd be grateful. I wish I had something more interesting to talk about, but I suppose I'll have some sort of news next week. I am looking forward to doing more things with my family, once I get feeling better again.
Emilee

P.S. I forgot to say that I am updating my wish list. Brenton is interested in getting some guitar lessons. Nathan is interested in playing soccer, perhaps for a team.

Wednesday November 19th

2008-11-19T14:59:00.002-07:00

I had my CAT scan yesterday. It went fairly smoothly, except it took 4 tries to get an IV in my left arm. Normally I can use my port for infusions, but not for the contrast medium they used in the CT scan. I had to fast before the test and drink a sour tasting juice, so my stomach hurt a lot. When I got finished and got home, I had lunch and felt nauseated and threw it up. After I felt better, I took a nap.

Today my stomach still hurts. It is my last day on the oral pill, so I'm hoping to feel better soon. I was pretty anxious before my CT scan, and now I am anxious to see the results. I had my blood tested on Monday, but the Dr. office hasn't called me about it. I am still wondering if I might need a blood transfusion, so maybe I'll try to call the Dr. again. The only thing I don't need to worry about is the house and the kids, since my mom has stepped into that role. I'm just trying to get rest and hoping I'll feel better.
Emilee

Monday November 17th

2008-11-17T20:23:00.003-07:00

I am still feeling emotional and overwhelmed by my challenges right now. I pray that God will give me the strength to help me overcome my fears. David gave me a blessing of comfort last night. That helped me get to sleep. This morning, I still felt sad, almost depressed, and I kept crying on and off. I'm asking my Dr. to increase my anti-depressant dose slightly. I was also supposed to get my blood tested this morning, since I have been feeling extra tired. The Dr. said they faxed the order to the lab, but when I got there, the lab couldn't find it. That meant that I had to go home again, take a nap, and call the Dr. to try to arrange the order to be faxed a second time. Finally, I called the lab and they said I could come on down. Depending on the results of the tests, I might need a shot to boost my red or blood cells and possibly even a transfusion.

Speaking of tests, I am scheduled for my CAT scan tomorrow morning. It will take a week to get the results, but I am still worried that the results will be bad, just like they have been with every other scan this past year. It is helpful to have my mom here for moral support and also so I can rest and sleep when the kids get home. We are applying for social security disability, which could help pay for someone to come in and help from 3-6 in the afternoon, at the time when my mom needs to go back to California.

I have plenty of reading material. Today, Jennie came and helped my mom to sort some of the books in my bedroom. I found all the pamphlets and fliers that the social worker gave for me to read last year, so I'm sure that will be beneficial to read again. Thank you for your nice comments and stories.
Emilee

Sunday November 16th

2008-11-16T10:58:00.002-07:00

Thank you to everone who reads and comments on my blog. I truly get inspiration from your words. I loved the penny story from Glen, especially. As for having faith, Cindy is so kind to say I inspire her, as I do have faith in God. My life is in his hands. I believe in the gospel of Christ, as I truly believe I can return to Him when my life on earch is done. Yet, I still have been crying off and on the last few days and I'm not sure why. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. Mostly I think I am sad that I can't be well enough to take care of my children or to do anything very fun (exept go to the store and try not to spend too much..) Even then, I am worried about money and this huge bill hanging over our heads. Each year I must pay $3000 out of pocket before my insurance will ctart covereing everything at 100%. Iapplied twice for financial consideration in the spring and summer, but the clinic won't reduce my year 2008 bill. I have been making payments toward it. Now I am looking at the new year and realizing that I will soon have to meet another deductible and owe another$3000 starting on January 1st, 2009. I wish I didn't have to worry about money. I feel like I have enough to wowrry about right now when I am supposed to concentrating on getting better. David's work is going well, but his paychecks are sporatic: meaning he only gets paid when he closes a loan.

Another reason I am sad is because I haven't been able to get downstairs and work on my family scrapbooks. I would love to finish them, as all the books are now 2 years behind, but I don't know if I'll ever feel up to working on them. Most of the time my nausea prevents me from going out to dinner. David and I got to attend an informal dinner party for Sam Bushman and some of their friends and family (grown ups only). David broght over a copy of my newpaper article, so that was nice to be able to show it to people instead of telling each person what is going on. I was wearing my black cap, instead of my wig, so it was obvious that I had no hair. we stayed and visited, ate dinner and dessert, then I was ready to go home because I wasnt feelling well. I've been feeling really tired lately. It could be that my blood cells are low again. I've been taking a nap everyday and I even doze off while watching tv.

On the 18th I am scheduled for a CT exam of my chest and abdomen, so the Drl will be abel to tell if I had any impovement from this chemo medication or not.

I'm all dressed for church, so hopefully if I lie down just before it starts, I'll have the energy to go at least fpr sacrament meeting. I'm glad my mom is here to help our family. When I need to rest, I know the children are doing what they should (or at least trying.)
Emilee

Friday November 14th

2008-11-14T18:38:00.004-07:00

After going to the optometrist twice this week, I still can't see very well up close. My vision has been changing because of the chemotherapy. This happened last year, but the new contacts made everything better. Mom thinks that I might need to wear reading glasses. Maybe I need bifocal contacts if such a thing exists!

Mom drove me to the chiropractor for a massage. After that, we went to Big Lots to stock up on snacks for the kids' lunches. We also ended up getting a pair of jeans, a red shirt for Brenton and some t-shirts and boxers. I was feeling pretty worn out after the errand. I've been trying to rest more today and so I'm saving up my energy for the next time I get up and do something.

I seem to be kind of emotional lately. I feel a lot of fear, but I know it is ok to be afraid. I will try to replace my fear with faith by reading in the scriptures and praying to comfort. What else do you do to increase your faith?
Emilee

Thursday November 13th

2008-11-13T21:53:00.002-07:00

Today my symptoms were very much the same as yesterday. I am feeling sick, but the side effects are lessened by medication. It was fun to get out this morning and run errands. Mom drove me to the pharmacy, then we went down to the Provo clinic and picked out some new head coverings. One is a cute straw hat with flowers on it, and the others are soft head coverings. In fact, they had a lot of beanie knitted hats which must have been donated as a humanitarian project, since they looked like the kind you make on a circular loom.

I had to go back to the optometrist today, since I was still having problems reading small print. I think the contacts he gave me should help, but I picked up a pair of $3 reading glasses which seemed to help me read better, even with my contacts on.

This afternoon, I was able to take a nap. It is blissful to know that I can sleep when I need to and my mom is caring for the boys. Mom's help is also a wonderful way for David to get more work done, since she can help in the mornings, as well asrun effrands and things. I just let her drive our Sequoia, since I can't drive right now, but I do have the handicapped placard, so we can park up close.

I'm glad to feel cheered, instead of sad. I am grateful for too many things to count.
Emilee

Wednesday November 12th

2008-11-13T10:13:00.002-07:00

Everything has gone smoothly since my mom arrived yesterday afternoon. Thanks, Chissie, for delivering her right to my door. My mom is comforting and sweet and I love to have her hear, even though I miss my loving and hard working Dad. Maybe he'll drive out here to pick mom up in a week or so, and we'll get to see him as well.

The 3 boys were invited by a young couple in our ward, Brother and Sister Willis to go to dinner and an activiy. My boys were delighted with the trip to Boondocks and the chance to get out and about. Jonny has a special connection with brother Willis who has been his teacher at church. At Boondocks, a fun center, the boys played laser tag, mini golf, go-carts and they had unlimited tickets, so they could go from place to place and do each activity over and over again. Thank you Brother and Sister for providing the wonderful outing for my boys. Now I am learning why heavenly Father said that when we serve others, we are serving him. For me, those who give love to my children are also showing their love for me.

My mouth sores are getting better already, as I starting using the mouthwash from the beginning of my treatment,which ws last Wednesday. Now I have to get more rest because I am feelihng tired. I also have a bit of a cough, but only at night and we're using the humidifier in our bedroom. have been feeling more nausea eachday, so I am carefully taking my pills to manage it and keep it under control.

Well, that's enough for me. I don't want to be long-winded. One reason I had never considered having blog was that I didn't have much to say. Now, it seems,I have something new to report every day. Thanks to those who care and are listening to what I have to say.
Emilee

Tuesday November 11th

2008-11-11T21:20:00.002-07:00

I've been feeling sick to my stomach all day, but if I lie down for a while, I usually feel better. My visiting teacher, Peggy, drove me to the Optometrist in the morning where he changed my prescription. The same thing happened during the past year on another chemo drug. Anyhow, I got a new pair of lenses to try, so I can be sure that they will work well for me.

Peggy then took me over to Lincoln Academy so I could check the children out of school early. Brenton and Jonny both had complete physicals. Brenton even got a flu shot. I didn't speak with the Dr. at the end, as I was greeting my mom and David who had come to pick me up. So, I'll need to find out if they have any serious health problems to report. In this case, no news is good news. I wanted the boys to have an exam since it is the end of the year and we have met our deductible for the insurance. Luckily, today's exam will also count when they go to scout camp in the summer.

The Relief Society sisters brought us a delicious dinner. I can tell if the kids like things when they ask for seconds! It is nice to have my mom here again. She takes over much of my responsibilities so I can rest, knowing that the house and kids are safe in her arms. She is also good at cooking and preparing meals, so I know she is good at a lot of things. How do think I learned to be the person I am today?
Emilee

Monday November 10th

2008-11-10T17:45:00.003-07:00

I've been feeling sicker today. As you can see from my Aunt Sally' comment, nadir is the low point for my blood cells, before they start building back up. I think it must be connected to how I feel, since I have been feeling a little worse each day since my treatment last Wednesday. Today, Brenton and Jonny both stayed home from school, with the same complaints as yesterday. They both had naps today and don't have a fever, so I think I'll send them back to school tomorrow. I let them watch some educational TV today, but now I'm having them sit down and do homework.

Jennie came over to help again today. I had to rest a lot, but she kept busy downstairs while I slept. For lunch, we went over to the Kneaders Bakery, which is just west of us on the Highland Highway. They are well known for desserts, so I just looked at the kinds they had. The line for the register was huge, more than 10 people in line. Those people were waiting to get lunch and sit at one of the tables. Jennie and I went around to the drive through and there wasn't a line at all! Lucky us! I had a delicious soup called artichoke portabella and it was served with a sourdough bread bowl. Jennie had the tomato bisque. I can tell I am going to have a new favorite lunch restaurant. The food was perfect for my stomach, because the soup was smooth and it made the bread soft and easy to chew. So, if you're passing by Kneaders, you know what to do! (Just kidding) I like pretty much any cream-based soup. I noticed from the menu that Kneaders also has smoothies, so I will have to try one of those sometime.

I am glad that my mother, Bonnie, is coming tomorrow to stay with us for a while. I'm sure everyone can identify with the need for your mother's care when you are sick. Husbands are great, but mothers seem to kow just what to do and they know what you need before you need it. For example, I always have a car here at home, but I am not supposed to drive in my condition. So, I just need someone to drive it for me. Three cheers for Bonnie, my new chauffer!
Love,
Emilee

Sunday November 8th

2008-11-09T10:57:00.002-07:00

It is nice to have a Sunday, a day of rest each week. I like it when our family is together, here at home, and then at 1:00 the children come to church with us. I like feeling the spirit of God when we worship. I like meeting the other members of the congregation who ask how I'm doing and tell me they are glad to see me at church. I like having friends in the ward who pray for me and put my name on the temple prayer roll. I want to give my will to Heavenly Father so that I might do what he asked me to do. I am humble and willing to learn and to change for the better.

My brother Dave was really kind to take all 3 of my boys on a hike yesterday afternoon. In the past, he only brought Brenton and Jonny, but I was touched that he was willing to take little Nathan and choose a path that would be easier for him to climb. They also brought Sandi, so that encouraged Nathan as well. David and I enjoyed watching a movie together and I made some orange chicken for dinner. In addition, David spent a couple of hours working in our yard, getting things prepared for winter. It was nice to have some quiet in our house for 7 hours!

So far, I haven't been feeling too terribly bad, but I am managing the side effects from my chemo by using my mouthwash and anti-nausea pills. I've been wearing head coverings and soft little hats when I am home. The hats are stretchy, almost like a beanie style so they are quite comfortable. When I go out, I usually wear my wig, but I also have a fall (artificial bangs) that I can wear with a hat, so it looks like I have hair. Thank you to my friend Janet who gave me 3 hats! I don't think I would ever want to go out with just a scarf on my head, because then you can tell I am bald. I have sneaked a peak here and there at my bald head. I am still adjusting to it. Maybe someday soon I will be able to look at it and let the reast of my family look at it as well, but right now I am too embarrassed.

Well, tomorrow is back to work for David and back to school for the boys. I expect to be feeling about the worst theis next week. The Dr. indicated that the medicine's worst effects are felt between days 7 and 10 and it is called "nadir." It's a funy word, maybe I'll look it up sometime. If you do, post a comment on what it means. If I get feeling too bad, I'll go over to the lab and get my blood tested to make sure I don't need any shots or even a blood transfusion. My mom's friend, Alex Heinzen, recommended I take wheat and barley grass juice, since it helps keep your blood counts up during chemo. I bought a big can of the dried supplement and have been mixing it with my Reliv. Perhaps it has helped me avoid any blood transfusions so far! It is hard to know which supplements are doing what for me, but I will continue to take the ones that people give me.
Love from me to you! Emilee

Friday November 7th

2008-11-07T21:52:00.002-07:00

I went out shopping for an hour today, thanks to my neighbor who drove me. I had fun shopping, riding my cart around the grocery store, picking up sale items and markdowns and using my coupons. I'm afraid I probably bought more than I need, but perhaps it is because I have been cooped up so long and not able to shop for myself.

I need to watch how much I spend. David read my blog the other day and wanted me to correct the fact that besides the closing he had this week, the other 2 loans have since developed "issues" and it is doubtful that they will close. Of course he is always working on new ones, but many of the problems are out of his control, such as pricing from the lender, requirements from the underwriters, the appraisal amounts, loan limits, and other such things. So, David needs me to do less shopping, I'm sure, as we are still required to pay the oncologist our "maximum out of pocket" expense for the year, which is $3000. (It is the amount we have to pay ourselves before the insurance will then step in and pay the rest.) We have been making payments on it since April, just like last year, when we had the installments come out of our checking accounts. It is one thing to be sick, but another thing to worry how you will pay for the medical bills. I don't want to be a drain on my family, but on the other side, they would be paying a lot more for a nanny and someone to replace the duties that I am still able to perform in our family.

While out, we also stopped by the school to check on Nathan, as he was having a hard time with one of his assignments. I guess he refused to do it and started to cry, but he was better by the time I arrived. I remember Jonny had a similar problem 4 years ago when I was having radiation treatments. Did I tell you that I got a handicapped placard? Now I can hang it on the rear view mirror whenever someone drives me around. It is quite handy.

Elaine came today and helped with the boys in the afternoon, and David arrived to take Nathan fishing, just as planned. They didn't catch fish, but at least it was an outing for them. I was able to get a massage at the chiropractor and my visiting teacher drove me there. It is hard to enjoy many parts of life when you are sick, but I do enjoy the massage therapy that I get every week or so. The relief society sisters brought us a yummy dinner. Mindi called in advance to see what we would like and she took our "order" perfectly. We all loved the grilled chicken, potatoes and broccoli. Tonight, we have been watching the "Sound of Music." It is fun to see the beautiful mountains in Austria and the city of Salzburg, which we visited less than 2 years ago. The kids were interested in the first half of the movie and now that it is ending, they are all asleep!

I miss my parents. They have been gone over 2 weeks now and I hope they can come and help me sometime soon. If anything, it cheers me up to have them around, as they are so good to me and to my family. I'm putting up with my sores and stomach aches and trying to hang in there for my kids and my husband. Still, my liver is swollen and I have to adjust what clothes I wear so they will be loose in the front. Here's to better days ahead...
Emilee

Thursday November 6th

2008-11-06T20:47:00.002-07:00

Today has not been as bad as I thought it could be. I had my treatment yesterday afternoon and tried to do a few more things in the evening, since I was worried I might be really sick today. Fortunately, the nausea is under control with medication and the worst side effect is the sores on the sides of my mouth, also inside on my tongue and throat. I am using the magic mouthwash from last month and that helps a lot.

Today, I rested this morning, but was also itching to do a few things. David asked me right before Halloween, "What part of a pumpkin is pumpkin pie made from?" I was amazed that he really didn't know, so I gave some sarcastic answer like, "Well, it isn't from the rind or the seeds!" Today, to show David, I cut up and baked one of our Halloween pumpkins (one that had not been carved). I also cut a few remnant roses in our yard and did some organizing in my closet for about half an hour. It was tricky to come up with an outfit for this afternoon: I have some DI jeans that I got on Tuesday and they fit great, just needed a little hemming. After that, I had to find a shirt that would cover my swollen belly (I feel like I'm pregnant or something. Did you see that TCL show, "I never knew I was pregnant?") In my case, my ovaries are gone, so the swelling comes from my liver which is located on my right side, just under the ribcage. Ironically, it is the same side where I had a TRAM flap reconstruction for my right breast, so the main muscle (rectus abdominus) is missing on that side and was used instead for the blood flow of the newly reconstructed breast. Ok, long enough explanation!

My new friend Shirline offered to drive me around for my errands this afternoon. First we dropped Brenton off at his appointment, then drove to a new dentist that David's parents recommended. Each dentist I visit (This is the 3rd one) has a different opinion of the small sore located in the gum of my front tooth, above the crown. Also, the dentist gave me a prescription for the small sores in the corner of my mouth, kind of like cold sores. I can't believe how quickly they started, in less than 24 hours from my treatment.

Then, we picked Brenton up and went to a store called Allison's pantry. The owner graciously sent me a gift certificate to check out her store and pick up some items for our family. In fact, Shirline, bought some things as well. I liked this store, so if you live near Pleasant Grove, please check it out. It is at 580 W. State in Pleasant Grove, kind of set off from the road, on the east side of the street, across the road from Timponogos Cyclery and the uniform store. Allison's pantry has quality and fresh pantry items in bulk, including mixes, soups, nuts, dried fruits and snacks, as well as seasonings, frozen fruit, and more. We picked out some hot cocoa mix, yogurt pretzels, nuts, dried fruit and candy, plus a package of frozen soup (this is the kind the restaurants serve to patrons, just reheated). I'm looking forward to feeding the soup to my family. I'd love to get another gift certificate and try other items. Thank you, Allison!
Emilee

Wednesday October 5th

2008-11-05T08:53:00.003-07:00

I wanted to hold off a day and wait until the election results before writing my next entry. I just got up an hour ago and the children brought me the newspaper. I cried for several minutes when I saw the result. Then, I had an interesting thing happen. I started feeling hopeful and I got a warm feeling all over which comforted me and calmed me. I don't know if it means that Obama will somehow fail to take his oath in January due to his legal problems, or perhaps it means that Heavenly Father is in control and I shouldn't worry because this is all part of his plan. Regardless, I want you to know that I now am at peace with the results.

Also on the internet this morning, they were still counting the ballots for California's proposition 8, which would define marriage as only between a man and a woman. With 96% of the precincts reporting, the results were 52% yes and about 48% no. They are predicting that the proposition will pass, so when I get the final news, I hope I can also feel peaceful with that.

The past 2 days I have been working hard, in preparation for getting my treatment today and because I know that I will be sick for the next 2 weeks again. I have organized bills and sorted through papers and made sure the boys all have enough school clothes that fit them. I went shopping, once with my neighbor Jennifer and once with Chrissie. At Costco, I was able to buy some food that the kids can heat up for snacks or even for meals when I can't help them.

David's business has been going fairly well. He had a closing on Monday and expects two more within the week. We feel blessed that our needs will be met for November, so I don't worry so much about money as I used to. After Halloween, the boys are finally calming down and applying themselves at school. They have also helped with chores around the house and have been playing better with each other. It's amazing what the correct amount of sleep and healthy food will do for your children!!

After getting my head shaved (Thanks for the VEET tip, by the way, I may use it.), I have 2 scarves at home that I can use for head coverings. In addition, my friend Janet, a breast cancer survivor, brought me over two cute fuzzy hats and a turban. I especially like the hats and I'm wearing one today instead of my wig. The wig is fine for going out, but around the house I would rather use a hat. Today I know I'll be sitting there in the chemo chair for four hours, so I'm opting for the most comfy choice, the hat. Also I have a fall, which is a little bit of hair on an elastic band. I position the hair or the "bangs" on my forehead in front, under the hat, so they poke out and look like the hat is covering real hair. The fall is blonde, but it works fine for now until I get another one that is light brown, like my real hair is ....uh was.

One hour to go and it is quite snowy today in Utah. David is going to drive me to Salt Lake. I'm hoping the snow will stop and the sun will come out. That way the sun will melt the snow on the street and it is a lot safer to drive. The rest of you, drive safely as well!
Emilee

Monday October 3rd

2008-11-03T21:18:00.002-07:00

Lots of activity today, as I "count down" the hours until I'm sick again. A neighbor took me shopping, and as we started driving, I decided to get my head shaved. It was buzzed on Saturday, but now those little pieces are falling out and getting itchy. They make my hat full of little hairs. Now that I'm bald, I haven't looked at myself in the mirror yet. I tell myself I am still adjusting. I had my wig with me, so after the shave, I just put my wig on and went shopping.

One reason for shopping was because I had to make an emergency pants trip for Nathan. Through the past few weeks, his waistline has been increasing, especially with having school lunch and eating candy all week. He now can't fit into any but a few of his pants, which is hard, since he needs to wear uniform pants to school. So, we stopped at Target for pants and then went to Costco for some groceries. It is nice to get a good deal on staples on Costco, but also be able to buy some convenience foods that my family can enjoy while I'm feeling sick at the end of this week.

David took the boys to the Rec. center tonight and they did weights and swimming. I hope they will be able to go more often and get in shape. I feel like I got a lot accomplished today, and I hope for the same tomorrow, with minimal down time.
Emilee

Sunday November 2nd

2008-11-02T17:00:00.002-07:00

I don't know what it is about Halloween, but my kids have been bouncing off the ceiling and haven't come down yet. Blame it on the candy, but I also think there is a bad spirit lurking around and whispering in their ears. Losing my hair that day didn't help my emotions, so I had an up and down Saturday as well. Jonny was supposed to attend a boy scout pow wow in the morning, but I didn't realize that it was down at BYU, which is about 25 minutes from our house. Plus, from the moment he woke up, he refused to go, so David and I had to combine efforts to get him there. On our way home, we were able to greet David's niece, Anna, who was baptized in Pleasant Grove. David's parents and siblings were there and we missed the ceremony, but arrived as everyone was leaving the church.

A kind neighbor offered us the use of their family cabin on Saturday night, so we brought the kids up and stayed until late this morning. Thankfully, it was daylight savings time, so we had an extra hour to sleep in. All 3 boys were fascinated by the pinball machine at the cabin, so that was their favorite activity. I also played ping pong with them, but mostly I drifted in and out between naps during the whole evening. The boys stayed up late, and I woke up in time to say goodnight. Brenton and Jonny did fine, but Nathan had a late night tantrum and refused to sleep in his bed and wanted to sleep in our room. That was fine, but he was also panicked about bugs and he had a stomach ache (too much candy??). About 11:30, he finally ended up throwing up on the bathroom floor and taking a soothing bath before he fell asleep at midnight. See what I mean about the spirit?

Anyhow, we enjoyed the cabin and played a family game there this morning. David made french toast for us all and we came home in time to attend church. I took my mini nap before church, like last week, then got dressed and was able to stay for about an hour and a half. It was fast Sunday, so I got a chance to bear my testimony. It was fun to greet people, as I haven't been out much in the past 2 months.

On our way home from the cabin, I shared with David and the boys the possibility that I might just feel well enough during the first week of December to take a family trip, assuming my 3 week cycle of chemo goes as planned and I have some time to recover. I almost don't want to get my hopes up, but I would love to go on a Carribbean cruise. I calculated that cruises cost about $100 per day per person, so a week's cruise for 5 people would cost $3500. Then, the airfare to the embarkation port would be about $500 per person or $2500. In addition, I know you need to pay extra for excursions and additional activities. I don't know how much to estimate for that. Maybe my parents, the seasoned cruisers, can give me some advice. If not December, then maybe January or February, as it will still be cold in Utah but warm in the south.

Bye for now. I'll try to put a photo or two up for you to see. Emilee

Friday October 31st

2008-10-31T22:32:00.002-06:00

What a wacky, hair-loss Halloween!!

My day started out fine, then seemed to get worse as the afternoon and evening went on! I felt well in the morning, but got some nausea around 11 AM. That was ok, since my new friend Shirline invited me over to her house to watch a movie. She fed me delicious orange julius, popcorn and even some soup. I still felt ok, and I really enjoyed watching the movie Enchanted, which was really cute. She took me to the store to get some Halloween candy for me to give out tonight. I got pretty tired at the store, so I had to rest after the kids got home. Actually, just the two older boys were here. They wanted to watch a movie, so I tried to convince them to do some chores before starting it, but one of them wanted to be lazy, I guess.

David got home around 4 PM and had just gotten a haircut. He convinced me that his hair stylist would give me a mohawk for free, since my hair is falling out anyway. I'm glad she buzzed the sides of my hair, but when we went to put green color gel on the spiky part, more hair started to pull out again. David took a photo, too, so I must post it up on this blog so you can see me Halloween 4 hour hairdo! I got to show it off to a few people and some kids in the neighborhood.

I don't know if it was the holiday or the candy or both, but my kids were really wild today. They all wanted to do different activities and were trying to decide when to trick or treat and who to go out with. Brenton was planning to attend one friend's party, but when that fell through he had to find someone else's party to crash. Fortunately he found one and a trusted mom was the driver to and from, so I let him go. Jonny has been acting really weird lately, so we found a few things he has been up to on the sly. Goodness, you sure have to be vigilant as a parent, as the kids always seem to be one step ahead of you!

Between the kids and my hair, I had a good cry tonight and now I'm feeling better. I have a soft knit cap that I got last year from the donation box at the cancer center. Maybe I'll pick out a few more, now that I have bald spots all over, so the caps can keep my head warm and comfortable. At least I already have a wig to wear, so I'll survive. Also, I know I have friends who have also gone through the hair loss, so that makes it easier to bear. I think I'll spend tomorrow wrapped in a warm blanket with a good book. I even have some treats to eat while I'm there.
Emilee

Thursday October 30th

2008-10-30T21:38:00.002-06:00

I got to go out to lunch with friends today, for the first time in weeks. I may also get to go out tomorrow to visit my new friend Shirline, assuming my health cooperates. Speaking of which, the children were both surprised and awed when I told them at dinner that my hair is starting to come out. For now, it is staying on my head, but as soon as you pull on a piece of it, it comes out in your hand. I thought the boys might be interested turning my hair into a weird Halloween type hairdo, right in time for the holiday tomorrow. Imagine tomorrow night when I open the door and the trick or treaters aren't sure if I have a wig or real hair. Brenton seemed worried about the idea, but Jonny was all for it.

As expected, I am feeling a little better each day during this week off from treatment. It is a joy to feel somewhat normal again, though I still have some fatigue and nausea. Happy Halloween everyone! Come by my house if you want to see my half-bald head. It might be the only time I show it off before I start wearing my wig full time again.
Emilee

P.S.

2008-10-29T15:44:00.002-06:00

I almost forgot to offer "tk" my email address, so they can contact me. It is emileeellis@comcast.net. Hope to hear from you soon. Emilee

Wednesday October 29th

2008-10-29T15:34:00.002-06:00

Today I am looking for "tk", the person who posted a comment to my Saturday entry, who has a standby ticket for Jet Blue. This afternoon, my brother-in-law offered me a buddy pass on Jet Blue, that must be used by this weekend, so I thought that between the two of you, it might be cover the cost of one round trip. I might feel well enough to go somewhere for a weekend, or I might be able to fly a family member out here to visit and help with the kids.

Today is my first day without Xeloda in 2 weeks. I can already tell that a lot of my nausea is gone. I have been getting a lot of visitors lately, so this morning I had my next door neighbor, Christi, who helped in the kitchen plus another neighbor, Suzanne, who brought me a wealth of scrapbooking supplies. That made me excited about scrapbooking again. Then, this afternoon, Elaine came to help with the boys after school. They did some chores and a bit of homework and now they are at Target, looking for a few "accessories" to their Halloween costumes, as Brenton and Jonny still are going to dress up for school on Friday, even though I won't allow Brenton to go trick or treating.

David is going through some changes at his work. Security National is shutting down the Reverse Mortgage division, but David will continue doing loans through another division of the same company. The market has been up and down with interest rates, but David seems to be holding on to some loans that should be going through soon. I don't like the uncertainty of his job right now, but we are blessed that he has a place to work.

Emilee

Monday October 28th

2008-10-28T19:42:00.002-06:00

Today was busy, and I think I overdid it, as I felt sick this afternoon and evening. I enjoyed making a new friend this morning, who is also a breast cancer survivor. The biggest headache today came from the man who came to fix the crack in my countertop. Because he was there, I didn't get much rest, plus he left our kitchen (2 hours later) full of dust all over the floor, table, cupboards and appliances. I was able to get help from two Relief Society sisters, so my kitchen was clean when the boys got home.

It always keeps me busy to have the kids home from school, as I help them with various things. Jonny's friend came over in need of some more props for his "nerd" costume. I made some homemade bread using the breadmaker and also made some dinner for the kids, so by then, I think I was pretty worn out. I also supervised Nathan in his homework and encouraged the other boys to finish their chores. I'm looking forward to having Elaine over tomorrow afternoon to help when the boys get home from school.

Tonight they had a Halloween carnival at the church for the primary kids, and the young men and women were helping run the games. Nathan wore his jaguar costume and David took him over to church. Brenton and Jonny are still over there helping. The Relief Society wants me to list a few other things that they could help with. One is to organize the bookcases in my bedroom. The other is to sort through my prescriptions so I can apply to a cancer care program which can reimburse my prescription co-pays. Once those are done, I'll list a few more things, but that's all for now.

Emilee

P.S. I'd like to get to know Christi, my next door neighbor, so I want to have her over to chat this week.

Monday October 27th

2008-10-27T20:25:00.002-06:00

It has been fun to receive messages and phone calls in response to Sunday's article. It looks like the paper is running new stories each day about different breast cancer patients, so I don't think I'll get any more coverage. I could ask Ashley, though. I like Susan's idea of having "breast buddies." Up until now, I haven't even attended a support group, though I have been to see the counselor at the clinic. Now that I have a new oncologist, I'll have to find out more of the programs they have in Salt Lake.

Basically, up until now, I was too busy living my life and working and juggling my family responsibilities and telling myself that I could do everything if I just tried hard enough. The time has come, because of the dangerous liver tumors and because of the severity of the chemo drugs, that I need to let others take care of the business around me. I need to concentrate on myself and on making it through each day.

Today, my sister in law, Jennie, came to help. She drove me to the lab for a blood test. I wanted to find out if I need a blood transfusion, as I've been feeling short of breath. She also took me to the store, where I rode the cart around and got some groceries. When we got home, I got a call from Dr. Shehadeh. I like the fact that he calls me himself, instead of having his staff do it every time. He said that I don't need a transfusion at this time. He said he wants me to have one more 3 week cycle of the Ixempra/Xeloda before I get a scan to see the results. He asked about my pain level and I told him it has been getting better, then he told me "Happy Halloween!" He must be pretty Americanized by now to be getting in the spirit of this American holiday.

Tomorrow is my last day of taking Xeloda. I am glad to be feeling better and to be up and around more. Sometimes, little things don't get done unless I am there to mind them. For example, in my pile of clean laundry were two badly stained white shirts of Nathan's. They had gone through the washer and the dryer and the stains were pretty set. When I asked David about it, he said he didn't have any bleach. Well, I walked out in the garage and came back with a gallon of it in my hand. "Oh," was his reaction. I guess it is mostly moms who worry about these things, like having their child wear a clean-looking shirt to school. (My kids wear uniforms to their charter school, so Nathan can only wear a navy or white shirt each day.)

I feel grateful for even more offers of help with the children, a friend to visit with, a flight for a caregiver, and more support because of the publicity of the news article. Every one of those helpers is a hero in my eyes, because they are literally coming to my rescue when I cannot do everything myself. Thank you today to all you heroes out there!
Emilee

Sunday October 26th

2008-10-26T21:24:00.002-06:00

Our family was excited this morning to see our article on the front page of our local Utah County paper. Nathan, especially, was thrilled that his photo was also on the front, and again several pages back. Here is the link to Daily Herald article: http://www.heraldextra.com/breastcancer/
There are several links on the website that connect to a letter and a recording that I made. We expect another smaller article each day for the next couple of days, as the paper continues to cover this topic.

I felt very grateful to be able to attend sacrament meeting this afternoon. I have been feeling tired, probably because of the low red blood cell count. Fortunately I rested right before church and my stomach didn't hurt, so I got to attend. It felt good to get out, if only for an hour and a half.

It is fun to see how excited the children are for Halloween. Tonight we talked about their ideas for costumes and for the activities Friday night. We also played a family game and ate ice cream, just like the photo in the newspaper. The kids ran around with the dog in the back yard for a while. David got out his big ladder and was able to retrieve over ten different balls and dog toys that have been stuck on the roof for the past year.

I'm expecting a better week, since my "week off" from treatment begins on Wednesday!
Emilee

Saturday October 25th

2008-10-25T20:29:00.002-06:00

Halloween is at hand! Today was a relaxing family day, which we ended by carving a jack-o-lantern and David sleeping in the trailer (in our front yard) with Nathan. In between, I managed to get up and around. David's uncle and his family came for a visit. My brother Dave took Nathan for a bike ride. I played a game with David and Jonny. I put together a couple of leftovers to make a stew for dinner.

As my nausea and mouth sores improve, I have noticed a few new side effects: my red blood count is low, so my face and lips look a bit pale. This makes me short of breath whenever I stand up and move around a lot. Also, my hands and feet are getting a bit sore, a side effect of the chemo which damages the tiny nerve endings in hands and feet. But overall, I can't complain, as I felt better today than I have been in a week and a half.

I'm looking forward to reading my article in the Daily Herald tomorrow. If anyone nearby has a copy, could you drop it off on our porch? Ashley said she would bring me by some more copies and some photos on Monday. I am going to try hard to attend at least part of Sacrament meeting tomorrow. I've missed going to church.
Emilee

Friday October 24th

2008-10-24T15:37:00.002-06:00

Today I was really touched by the comments, specifically the song and the scripture, from Laurie and Becky. Sometimes I wonder why we have to suffer such trials, but often I believe that we learn compassion for others, empathy, humility, faith and many other good qualities that help prepare us to live with God again. I certainly don't feel like an inspiration to anybody, as we are all doing our best to deal with the challenges we have in life. I do feel much gratitude:

Today I am grateful that my body continues to improve, and my nausea and pain and swelling decrease. I am grateful that my children are playing at their friends' houses. I am grateful that my husband's job is bringing in some income, enough to meet our basic needs. I am grateful for the beautiful weather, even if I have to enjoy it from my window. I am grateful for many more things, and I could go on, but that list is enough for today.
Emilee

Thursday October 23rd

2008-10-23T20:32:00.002-06:00

Today I noticed an improvement in several areas. My nausea and pain has been getting better. Also, the swelling around my liver is going down. Elaine took me to the pain doctor this morning. My thinking has become less clear and sometimes my mind is fuzzy. I had a hard time explaining to the Dr. about my medications and I was glad that Elaine was there to take notes for me. As a result, I am going to try to lower my dose, as I need all of my thinking capacity to speak and make decisions!

After picking up my prescriptions, Elaine brought me home and the photographer from the Daily Herald came over. She wanted to record my voice telling my story and my experiences. She said that the newspaper article will have a link to the internet, where people can click and listen to several breast cancer patients. I am glad Ashley told me that my words could be edited, so I didn't worry as much about making a mistake or having a pause, etc.

When the kids got home, I was able to greet them and talk to them before I went up and took a nap. I have been using a little of my magic mouthwash before eating, so that the food doesn't make my mouth sore. Due to the meals that were brought this week as well as groceries, our refrigerator is full! Also, my chocolate is in good supply. Jennie suggested I start making a "wish list" so I can update it as well as tell which wishes have been "fulfilled." Many of my small requests have been granted. Today, the only thing I might like is some more movies that I can watch when I am up in my room. We have a digital cable box, but it is down in the family room, so I just get the cable in our bedroom. After enjoying the dvr feature on our cable box, I almost hate to watch live tv anymore and have to wait through the commercials!

Thank you to Jennie for the cute photos of Nathan and Trent. Nathan commented that Trent lost his tooth over the weekend. Also Nathan said that the pumpkin in his photo was too heavy, so he actually chose a lighter one to take home and keep. Can you believe that Halloween is only a week away? Wow!
Emilee

Nathan at the Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-23T12:43:00.003-06:00

Nathan went with his cousin Trent to the Pumpkin Patch over UEA weekend. Jennie took over the blog for a minute to post the picture and surpise Emilee. Hope she doesn't mind!

Wednesday October 22nd

2008-10-22T17:43:00.002-06:00

I've been feeling emotional today, though I'm not so sure why it is today and not any other day. It is hard to feel encapsulated in my house, so out of touch with the real world. I was able to get out for a short bit this afternoon. Elaine drove me to lab to get my blood tested. Basically the counts were a little down, as expected, but nothing to worry about. Elaine then took my 3 boys down to the dentist for exams. I was happy to hear that none of them had cavities and so it was just a routine checkup.

David has been feeling sick lately. He went to a Dr. on Monday and got some prescriptions. The Dr. told him that if he wasn't better in 2 days, he should take the antibiotic, so David is doing that. Sometimes having him work from home brings me more stress, even though he is there to help the boys or do something for me, should I need it. He tells me that sometimes home is better because the office is distracting. David has an appointment tonight, and he tells me that even though rates went up for a week, they are back down again so he can do some refinances for people.

Despite my worries and fears, I am grateful for the gospel of Christ which helps me have faith and hope. When I am sad or feeling sick, I can pray for comfort. Sometimes my prayers are answered by people here on earth who bring me groceries, pick up my prescription, make dinners for my family and have my children over. Right now, what I need the most is for a friend or two to invite my children over after school or in the evening. I desperately want them to go somewhere and have fun and not have to worry about me all the time. I also want them to be well-supervised, so I can relax and know they are in good hands.
Emilee

Tuesday October 21st

2008-10-21T21:45:00.002-06:00

I started out my day fairly hopeful, with my crackers and pills routine. I had a pretty good morning, then a worse afternoon. I felt so sick that I needed to lie down in my bed and not move or talk just in order to avoid throwing up (yes, I do have a container by my bed.) In some ways it was nice that the kids were at school and I got to rest or watch tv. The nausea, however, is tricky because when I am lying down, watching Lifetime movies from my dvr (and the dvd North and South, thanks Laurie!) I feel pretty well, so I get up and move my legs around, get some snacks, feed the dog, etc. The longer I stay up, the worse I feel and so it is back to bed, waiting for the anti-nausea drug to kick in.

It is hard not to get discouraged. I want to hope for a better life, but there are many things I miss doing that make me wonder if I will ever get to do them or enjoy them again. My whole world revolves around staying at home and going to visit doctors. I have one more week of the Xeloda to take (one tablet in the morning, one at night) and then I'll get a week off. Perhaps by then, my nausea will pass, but I feel that I have always been getting sicker and sicker and I don't know that anything else will be able to prevent the progression of my disease at this point.

It will be interesting to read about myself in the Daily Herald this Sunday. The are doing a series of articles about Breast Cancer and they will present my profile. I will be interested to know how the public will react to my situation as I'm including my blog address in the article. I like to read and it is fun to get comments from all of you, even some that I don't know as well as others. It is also a unique situation to be served by everyone, so much that I can barely care for my own needs, let alone those of my children. I have a friend doing my shopping tomorrow. My mother-in-law is taking the boys to the dentist in the afternoon. She is also taking me to another appointment on Thursday. The Relief Society is bringing us dinner and some freezer meals. I feel ok to stay home by myself. If I were to have bad pain, for example, I know now what pills to take or I Icould call a close by friend or neighbor. Much of the stress from our household is handled by David, who struggles between the role of father, husband and income provider. He has got the first two covered, but is struggling to build more job security and more income in this slow mortgage market. I wish he didn't have to work as long and that he had more time to share with me. Bye for now,
Emilee

Monday October 20th

2008-10-20T19:59:00.002-06:00

Lately my posts have become rather repetitive. I get up in the morning, take some pills, eat a few crackers then take some more pills. I did the same snack routine a couple of time and hadn't even come downstairs yet when Jennie arrived. It was nice to have her there to supervise the kids and bring Nathan home. I missed the little guy! Jennie also taught me how to add more photos to this blog, so you will notice that I chose last month's family photos for the header. The only thing I couldn't do was add a title and description onto that photo, so it has to go on the right sidebar.

I'm still taking the oral Xeloda and even though my pain is pretty under control, I am thinking that my nausea is probably from this tablet that I take once in the morning and once in the evening. Today I felt like a princess giving orders from her throne. I have a bell on my nightstand and rang it when I needed the boys to bring me something, or when I had a question for Jennie, etc.

Jennie brought me a smoothie from Jamba Juice and it was the most-enjoyed food item that I've had in the past few weeks. Not only did it taste good, but the coolness soothed my tender mouth and throat. It even had soy protein so I felt like it was nutricious. I'm going to teach my boys how to make some fruit smoothies with some fruit that we already have in our freezer. So, next time you stop by Jamba, bring along a mango smoothie and if at Sonic, I have always liked the sunshine smoothie.

I never dreamed that I could turn down so much chocolate in one day. I've had several people bring me my most favorite chocolates and I can barely get a few bitefuls of one down each day. With all of my food complaints, you would think my body would be thin by now, but I guess I'll always be chubby, that's the way it has to be.
Emilee

Sunday October 19th

2008-10-19T18:50:00.002-06:00

Today was another family reunion Sunday, as my parents, two nieces, my Aunt and my brother came to visit. I was able to sit up and visit with them for part of the time, then I had to go back upstairs and lie down. Even though my nausea is under control if I lie down and rest, I feel sick to my stomach when I get up and move around and try to do anything. I got up this morning and put on a dress, hoping I would feel well enough to attend church, but I didn't. My stomach hurts if it is empty, but I have a hard time eating food with the sores in my mouth. Nothing seems very appetizing to me.

Since I only eat a small amount of food, I am trying to at least drink some more nutrition, through my daily supplement (Reliv, with some wheat/barley powder) and some spinach/carrot juice. I also have been taking the supplements that Melissa Ellis ordered for me, I drink another health drink called ASEA, and off and on I have some essiac tea. Applesauce, yogurt and mashed potatoes all work fine. Anything else (even the chocolate) has to be in small bites, washed down with plenty of liquid.

I was grateful that my parents took my two oldest boys to the Herriman Days festival and fishing with my brother Daniel's family. It was pretty amazing to have a quiet evening with my husband. My parents have to return to CA tomorrow. I will miss them, but they will be back here in another three weeks, probably.

Meanwhile, I am just waiting and hoping that I will feel better. The boys are learning how to do more for themselves. Today they made waffles from scratch and I even had a few bites for breakfast. The kids have one more day of vacation from school tomorrow. Maybe they'll have time to master more cooking skills. What would you recommend for kids' recipes?

Emilee

Saturday October 18th

2008-10-18T20:42:00.002-06:00

My parents made it to Utah last night. They stopped by here to get the most recent news. I'm sure they went to bed easily. Jonny invited a friend over to sleep in the trailer. Now I can ask him to help me clean it and he can't complain because he used it !

Today, woke up in pain again, but was able to get it undercontrol. Having nausea from the moment I wake up is also frustrating. The pain patches are making me somewhat dizzy, but I know I can call someone if I need help. Nathan went to Jennie's house on Wed. but Jennie called to see if he would like to stay and we got an excited "yes" from Nathan.

David worked throughout the day on organizing some of his storage boxes. We had a couple of visitors and I received some European chocolate! Even though my mouth is still sore, I had a Linz truffle and enjoyed every bite. I don't feel up to writing any more tonight. I hope I can attend Sac. Mtg. tomorrow. The patch I use is making the pain less, but I also feel forgetful, so don't get offended if I don't print your name in every new post of this blog.
Emilee

Friday October 17th

2008-10-17T22:33:00.002-06:00

I felt sick again today, but I am learning more about how to manage my pain and anti-nausea medications. I dozed off several in the day. This morning my parents came to greet me and stay all day to help me. At the same time, Ashley, the photographer, took some candid photos as my mom was showing me the gifts she brought with her: photos and drawings from my neices Lola and Ella, European chocolate (The best she could find in the grocery store!) and some books to read. Jennie came by to pick up more clothes for Nathan, so he can stay at her house the rest of the weekend. I'm glad because he always seems very happy with the Kilstroms.

During this course of chemotherapy, I have a goal to take the oral medication for the entire 2 weeks, then have a week off and it will be a total of 3 weeks for treatment and the Dr. can order a PET scan to mark my progress (if any.) The biggest challenge in meeting this goal comes from being able to take the chemo pill and keep it down. Also, to endure the side effects even if they get terrible. Tonight I went with my parents to theirs and Dave's house in Orem. Brenton and Jonny each had a friend over and Jonny wants to sleep in the trailer. Anyhow, David stayed home and made dinner for the boys and watched over them. The drive to my parents' house was fine, but as soon as I got inside, I knew I needed to throw up. Fortunately, I felt better after a while and could eat a little dinner, then we all watched a movie, Letters from Iwo Jima.

My magic mouthwash seems to help the pain and soreness in my mouth. I took a nap in the afternoon and so I am getting plenty of rest. Bye for now,

Emilee

Thursday October 16th

2008-10-16T11:40:00.002-06:00

Well, if you guessed that I was sick yesterday, you were right! Elaine brought me to the office in Salt Lake, where I met with the physician's assistant at 10 am and then began my treatment around 11am. Since one of the premedications is Benadryl I was able to doze a little bit, which made the treatment (4 hours) seem shorter.

I was already feeling nauseated on the way home from Salt Lake. Elaine and I stopped at the pharmacy to get me some larger pain patches and a magic mouthwash (yes, it does say this on the prescription bottle) which has some lidocaine in it and is supposed to help with the sores in my mouth. I am always amazed at how many medications exist now to combat the side effects of chemotherapy. In the evening, I took my first dose of the oral chemo drug called Xeloda. It came with a pill container to help me remember if I have taken each dose, one in the morning, one in the evening. I have been having episodes of "chemo brain" where I have difficulty remembering things and I feel somewhat scatter brained. This is a legitimate side effect! Greg came over with a pizza and played Risk with Brenton and Jonny. Jenny came to pick up Nathan. I went to bed early. It was nice to know, however, that my children were happy and entertained!

At 5:30 this morning, I woke David up and told him I needed more pain medicine. He gladly brought me some pills and another small patch. I was having so much pain in my abdomen that it hurt if I even moved or rolled over. I woke up at 8 am and was able to get up and use the bathroom without too much pain. I haven't been downstairs yet today and it is almost noon. I've been watching a movie called "In Her Shoes." Brenton brought me a little bell to ring if I need anything. Since I was feeling nauseated again, Brenton brought me up a can of lemon lime soda and a granola bar. If I feel this bad tomorrow, I am glad that my mom is on her way and can take care of me and cheer me up.

I'm a little bummed out because this is the big weekend in the fall where the children are out of school for 3 days, with a weekend in between. (Thurs- Mon.) Usually it is the ideal time to take our trailer out somewhere since the weather hasn't turned too cold yet. We've had snow or frost on the lawn several mornings, but it has always melted away for the afternoon. Instead, I'm suspecting that I'll just be stuck at home feeling sick.

I need some advice from any of you who live close by. When storing our trailer for the winter, we want to take down the front fence on the left side of our house. Then, we want to put gravel down on that spot next to the house. After we back the trailer up the lawn to that spot, we want to hang a double sized gate and put the rest of the fence up, theoretically so that we can open the gate and get the trailer out next spring. I prefer having the trailer right up next to the house, but David thinks it will be better to park next to our driveway and extend the fence around it. That might save the cost of getting the double size gate. I would rather put the trailer in the backyard, on the side that we don't use for anything right now. Since I don't know much about fences, I'm up to hearing any of your ideas.
Emilee

Tuesday October 14th

2008-10-14T20:31:00.002-06:00

David and I had early appointments with the dentist this morning. It was our first time in over a year, since we didn't have any money for exams, etc. I'm glad that David woke up at 6:45 and brought me 2 pain pills, or I don't think I would have been able to go anywhere at 8:30. Just the fact that I was up and about and dressed and ready was amazing, considering how much I've stayed at home lately. When David started work for Security National, he became eligible for dental benefits. They cover exams and also up to 80% on fillings. So, when Dr. Lohner said David needed 2 fillings, we weren't worried. Then, once he drilled into the tooth, some blood came up and the dentist said he needed a root canal instead. Not only that, but the dentist thinks the tooth is still at risk for a chip or a crack, so he recommended getting a crown as well. To make matters worse, the waiting period for our dental insurance is 12 months before they will cover a large procedure, so we will need to pay it out of pocket. Today we only had to pay for the root canal, so I put it on the credit card. The crown will cost about $1000. We'll probably have to borrow money for that, too. I know there are places where we can get them cheaper, but I don't know if the quality will be the same.
So, just as we are discussing David's teeth and what to do, the Dentist looks at my xrays and found that I have an abcess in the gum right above my right front tooth (I have an old crown from 15 years ago and our best guess is that the metal on the crown kept irritating the gum above it and it couldn't ever heal because I kept having treatments.) The abcess doesn't hurt but it has slowly been draining fluid during this last year. The dentist recommended a root canal and a crown for my tooth. Yikes! Both David and I need the same things and they aren't covered on our plan. Right now I am going to wait and see how things go with my new treatments. I don't have immediate pain and I figure if I have lived this long with the abcess, I can stand to wait a little longer, if I need to.
It was David's suggestion to put my request about grocery shopping in my blog yesterday. Sure enough, but the end of the morning, I had several offers. My visiting teachers came to visit, then Debbie Burraston came over and got my shopping list and my credit card. Then, I called Sister Jolley, the Relief Society President to see if she could help me plant some pansies I bought last week. She brought a loaf of bread with her and shortly afterward, my next door neighbor, Christy, brought some potato-corn chowder for our dinner. I think it is like a miracle when people show up and bring us things, often at the ideal time, since I didn't have anything planned for dinner besides leftovers. Debbie came back from the store and stayed to help me put away groceries and we ate some sandwiches she had brought for lunch. I am really appreciating all the people who are serving me as well as our family.
I've still felt a little sick on and off through the day, so I have to be on top of my medication, but in general I am doing better than I was over the weekend. Just in time to begin my next round of chemotherapy tomorrow. Elaine will drive me up to Salt Lake. I've got a friend for Nathan to play with when he gets home from school. I'll try to set up some similar circumstances for Brenton and Jonny. I am always a bit nervous when they are coming home to an empty house. I'm not worried about crime, but mostly that they could get into trouble with any friends that come by or tv shows that aren't acceptable, and those sorts of things. Brenton has several times left home to go down to the creek and meet some friends without telling me. I don't want that happening while I'm gone. If I'm lucky, I might make it home by 3:30 at the very earliest.
If I don't write tomorrow night, I might be feeling sick or tired from my treatment. Sometimes I like to take my anti-nausea drugs and go to bed early when I'm not feeling well. When my parents come in a couple of days, they could even type my blog for me while I tell them what to say. So long for now!
Emilee

Monday October 13th

2008-10-13T22:13:00.003-06:00

I was sick again today. I woke up in a lot of pain and was surprised that the patches (yes, now I use two) weren't working to control my pain. I also had a lot of nausea today. Despite those challenges, my throat and mouth have been feeling better. Perhaps is it because I am more careful to eat foods that don't irritate as much. I rested almost all day and all evening. David came home in the afternoon, as he said he had a feeling I might need more help today. He finished up his work by using his home office this afternoon.

Even though I didn't feel well, some good things still happened today. All three boys rode their bikes to and from school and were willing to do their homework and chores after that. Jonny helped me make some homemade ice cream and Brenton cooked dinner for the family. The family is really rising to the occasion when I can't do as much for them. The reporter from the Daily Herald called and did phone interviews with David and Brenton today. I found out that my feature article will be published on Sun. Oct. 26. Even though we don't get this newspaper (local for Utah County) I think everything will be available online.

During family home evening tonight, I had a frank discussion with the children. I pointed out several people we know who had been really sick with cancer, even sicker than I am, and they had a miracle and got better. I also talked to them about the family in our ward that lost their mother and also my grandpa Baer who lost his mother. We read the scripture D&C 42:48 and discussed the fact that we can accomplish much with our faith and prayers, but in the end it is God's will we must accept.

For our activity, we watched "Little People, Big World" which is a family oriented reality show on TLC. I like watching programs that are inspiring and realistic. Tonight I realized that every one of my 4 brothers has written or called me this week. I am grateful for their love and support. In fact, I would recommend that all of you reading this go back to my previous entries and read some of the comments people have written. I have to say that I think the comments are much more interesting and inspiring than my daily descriptions of my deteriorating health!

Anyone nearby who would like to go shopping for me tomorrow, please call me after 9 am. I have been too sick to go to the store. Also, I'm having a dentist appointment at 8:30 am and he will probably prescribe a special mouthwash that he gave me last time, so I'll need to go to a pharmacy as well. I'm looking forward to taking Melissa and Benjamin up on their offers, so be careful what you offer, because I just might accept!
Emilee

Sunday October 12th

2008-10-12T17:47:00.002-06:00

I was disappointed today because I had hoped to be well enough to attend church and also 2 baby blessings for extended family. Even though we had those 3 events today, surprisingly none of them conflicted timewise with the others. David's brother Brian blessed his baby William at 9 AM. David was able to bring Nathan, so I'm glad at least the two of them made it. I woke up this morning and my throat was still just as sore. I'm monitoring my temperature and I don't have a fever, so I am thinking that the soreness in my throat and on my tongue are probably side effects from the chemotherapy. I have to choose foods that are low in acid and easy to get down, like yogurt, bread (Julie brought me some homemade wheat and Chrissie brought banana bread on Friday night. Perfect timing, wasn't it?), eggs, ramen noodles, applesauce, ice cream and anything without a lot of salt or seasonings. I made some beef stroganoff while David and the kids were at church, and I was barely able to eat more than a bite or two because it hurt my mouth. Fortunately, David brought me home some Ricola lozenges (yes, he was willing to stop at a convenience store on Sunday) and they have been soothing for my throat.

My cousin Julie's baby is being blessed this evening, but I still don't feel up to going out. David took the boys and I know they will have a nice time. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get well enough to do fun outings again, so you can see why I was glad to get out for a bit yesterday. Still, I am appreciative of the many blessings and gifts we have received, as it makes our lives a little easier, a little happier. I can tell that my illness is having an effect on the children. Brenton is 14 and he broke a school rule on Friday, so we had to take away another privilege. Jonny still has times when he loses his temper or gets frustrated easily, as does Nathan. I want to sit down with the boys and tell them about some of the blessings that have come to our family, despite our trials. I want their lives to be as normal as possible and I wish I could do more for them than I can. I guess today I'm a little sad, as I have a right to be. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.
Emilee

Saturday October 11th

2008-10-11T19:19:00.003-06:00

Today was restful and fun. The morning was quiet, since the boys were gone overnight with David on the father/sons outing. My dog Sandi kept me company, even sleeping in my bed since David wasn't there! I've been recording some of those Lifetime TV movies with the dvr, so when the house is quiet, I watch one or two of them. I don't follow many dramas on network television, but I like to record some TLC programs and some on the other Discovery Network channels.

I still have a sore throat today. It makes it uncomfortable to eat. I first had one right after chemo, then it got better. Lately, it has returned and has been hurting a little more each day. I still have some pain in my liver, but it is mostly under control. Sometimes the pain meds make me sleepy so I dozed off at least once this morning while watching tv.

My brother Dave came over at lunchtime to collect the 3 boys. I was glad that he was willing to have all 3 over at the same time. Sometimes Nathan can be a handful, but Dave let him play with his old transformers and helped him learn some video games. My husband was doing some marketing for Security National at the Senior Expo in Sandy, so he was gone all afternoon. I was glad that my Aunt Linda and cousin Chrissie invited me to attend a play with them at the Hale Ctr. Theater in Orem. We went to a matinee and it was the modern musical production of Aida. The music was composed by Elton John and Tim Rice and first came out on broadway. Even though it was a small town production in Orem, I enjoyed the elegant costumes and the excellent singers and actors. On our way home, we were able to pick the boys up at Dave's, so that worked out well.

I'm just going to rest this evening. The kids are watching a science fiction movie that I recorded on dvr. I like the fact that the movie was edited for television, so many of the bad words are replaced by milder versions. I feel grateful that I can still go out and do things, as long as I bring my pain pills and some snacks with me. I'm actually looking forward to my treatment on Wednesday, to see if it will help against the pain and swelling. Maybe I'll actually feel better instead of feeling worse. Who knows?
Emilee

Friday October 10th

2008-10-10T10:29:00.002-06:00

I didn't get a chance to write on my blog yesterday. I woke up yesterday morning with a lot of pain in my liver area and increased swelling in my abdomen. I took pain pills every few hours yesterday and I wanted to wait until today to see if this "attack" would subside on its own. One fun thing I got to do yesterday, despite feeling sick, is help Nathan decorate a pumpkin for his cub scout pack meeting. The instructions were to make the pumpkin into a character from a book. I just knew someone else would do "Harry Potter" so I took Nathan up in his room to search the bookshelf for an alternative. I kept thinking, what character's face is orange and round?? Finally we were in luck when we discovered a Garfield the cat book. We used paint and markers to draw the face of Garfield on the pumpkin! We cut some heavy orange paper to make the ears and we glued a button on his nose. I think Nathan was happy with it. I was too sick to attend pack meeting and David had an appointment, so I drove Jonny over with Nathan. Oh, and sure enough, as I was dropping the boys off, another kid was walking into the building with a Harry Potter pumpkin!

Last night I was up every couple of hours to take more pain medicine, so I had to call my oncologist this morning. He is ordering a CAT scan to be done at American Fork Hospital and he will call me back after he gets the results. It is scary for me, as I wonder if the swelling and pain will ever get better. I'll just pray that the Dr. will know the right thing to do for me.

I appreciate everyone who reads my blog and writes comments. I am glad to have the beautiful book Chrissie put together for me, which has many letters from family and friends. I will be able to read your comments and words of comfort over and over. Thanks again! Emilee

Wednesday October 8th

2008-10-08T22:30:00.002-06:00

I was very relieved this morning that the music teacher had an extra tie for Jonny. I had envisioned having to shop all over town to find one like it, so I got to stay home instead. I felt pretty well today, but still need to take the anti-nausea pills. I got a massage this afternoon at the chiropractor, then went to pick up a prescription.

When I got home, Elaine was there making dinner for us. She stayed and went to Jonny's concert with David and the boys. I drove by myself down to Provo to hear a presentation from a natural products company called Daniel Chapter One. It was interesting to hear their perspective about conventional drugs versus herbs and supplements. They make some claims on their website about curing cancer and other diseases. As a result the FDA wants to shut them down, or at least have them modify their website. I stayed for the 2 hour meeting, then the videographer asked me to tell my story, specifically about the options my oncologist gave me versus the many different alternative treatments for cancer. My opinion is not one hundred percent on the medical side or one hundred percent on the herbal side. I believe that doctors can help people by prescribing drugs, but I also wish that more herbal supplements could be researched and sold freely, especitally when it can be proven that they can be of benefit to a person, without so many side effects as traditional drugs.

My best approach is to be prayerful about my treatments and to feel calm about them. When I am nervous and scared, questioning my doctor's recommendation, that is a sign to me that I need to look elsewhere and discover other options. I wish money were not an issue in my case. The insurance pays big bucks to the doctors and clinics where I get treated, however the insurance would not pay for me to go to a naturopathic doctor or to get herbal supplements. Perhaps there are some supplements out there that could cure or at least lessen the amount of disease in my body, but it can be hard to know which one to choose. I already use some supplements and have been given others to try. This company tonight claims to have an entire regimen for cancer patients and have many testimonials of people being healed. If someone were to pay for the products, I would be willing to try this regimen, as it is obvious that the chemotherapy has not been working for me. I am scared that my liver may not respond to my new treatments, but I try to have hope that I will stay here on earth as long as God wants me to. I know that my life is in His hands.
Emilee

Tuesday October 7th

2008-10-07T22:25:00.002-06:00

I've been feeling a little better each day in the last week. I can tell I don't have as much stamina as I used to. Any kind of exertion (like walking all over Wal-Mart) wears me out and I have to lie down and rest for a bit. I took the boys shopping this afternoon. We went to PetSmart for dog food and to get fish for Jonny's snake. We also stopped at Costco for a few things.

Jonny is taking beginning band and he plays the clarinet. The first band concert is tomorrow night and he can't find the blue tie he is supposed to wear. I just spent the last half hour searching his entire bedroom, inch by inch, but I didn't find the tie. I suppose tomorrow morning I might be able to borrow a tie rom another band member or get some material that is the same color, so that I can go shopping and find Jonny another one. The originals were ordered by the school, from an internet-based company. So, that is the latest drama in our lives. Of course it happened right at the time that the boys were supposed to be going to bed!

Today my cousin Chrissie brought over a beautiful album with letters and photos from my many friends and relatives. I went through 4 tissues because I got emotional and started crying. I suppose it was a good kind of cry. I am honored and touched by the kind words and poetry and inspiration on those pages. I know I will cherish this book and read it again and again.
Thanks to all my family and loved ones. I appreciate your love and support.
Emilee

Monday, October 6th

2008-10-06T21:05:00.003-06:00

Today my sister in law, Jennie, came and helped me around the house. We pulled everything out of my upstairs linen closet and sorted it. I was glad to throw some things away and give a nice basketful to DI. Jennie even made labels for the shelves so that we can keep the closet organized. Yeah!

We had a flood in our basement because of the heavy rains over the weekend. The water seeped in through the window well and got the carpet all wet. This is about the 3rd or 4th time this has happened. David and I both want to get some different flooring for this room (no more carpet). Does anyone have a suggestion for us? This is our exercise room, though we also have several bookshelves as well. My idea was to put down linoleum and then get an area rug for part of the room. Jennie mentioned some type of flooring that is rubber, I think, and the panels fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. It is used at gyms, I think.

I also visited the pain management Dr. this afternoon. He was kind and helpful and wants to keep meeting with me until all my pain is under control. I have my next treatment on the 15th for an infusion of Ixempra and then I will start taking the Xeloda pills again. Last time I had a problem with my back hurting, so I had to stop the oral medicine. If my pain is better under control this time, maybe I will be able to continue the pills and they will help shrink my liver. It is still enlarged, which isn't really uncomfortable, but it makes my clothes fit funny and sometimes it is a bit like being pregnant, having a swollen belly.

My nausea is slowly getting better, so I am hopeful that I can enjoy the next week and feel up to doing more things.
Emilee

Sunday October 5th

2008-10-05T21:44:00.003-06:00

I want to tell you a bit about the photo at the beginning of my blog. It was taken near Portland, Maine, on a family trip in 2005, so we are all 3 years younger in the photo. I am still learning how to add recent photos along with my text, but I did upload our recent family photo on the side bar which says "view my profile." Since I got sick in 2003, we have tried to do a lot of traveling so we can make memories as a family. One of my favorite hobbies is to make scrapbooks for our trips.

We haven't traveled much since I started chemotherapy in March of 2007. We have taken a few road trips in our trailer: Arches National Park, Bear Lake, Yellowstone, Twin Falls (Idaho) and Nauvoo (Illinois.) The past year has been very difficult for David, as the mortgage market continues to change and decline. He had to sell his company in March and is now working for Security National, doing reverse as well as regular mortgages. Even though we might not be able to afford it, I have a dream of taking David and our boys on an ocean cruise, as we have never had that opportunity. Right now, such a trip would not be possible, because of my illness. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get well enough to travel again.

Today was relaxing and fun. We watched conference, but we also played some family games and made homemade ice cream. I sent David, Brenton and Jonny each to a neighbor to see if they could gather some ice cubes. Brenton came home with a quart bag full. David came home with a larger bag, but Jonny came back with a huge plastic shopping bag full of ice. At least next time we know which neighbor to ask when we need ice!

I seem to be feeling a little better each day. I am getting plenty of sleep and I even dozed off a bit during conference. I hope this coming week I will feel well enough to do some of my hobbies and cook more for my family. Being sick has sure made me appreciate the times when I do feel better.
Emilee

Saturday October 4th

2008-10-04T20:32:00.002-06:00

Today was General Conference. We were able to get 5 tickets from David's sister, so our whole family could attend the morning session. It was rainy all day, but still the crowds of people came out to attend conference. Nathan just barely met the age limit (8 and older), so it was his first time. I brought him some paper and some Friend magazines, but he was bored pretty much the whole time and kept asking how much longer until it was over. I really enjoyed the talks, at least the ones that I stayed awake for. I kept dozing off during the second hour, as my anti-nausea medicine makes me sleepy. At least that made the 2 hours seem to pass by really fast!

On our way home from Salt Lake, we stopped at IKEA in Draper, as David had never been there. We didn't buy much, just a few snacks and a spray bottle (to spray the dog when she misbehaves!) David just got home from taking Brenton and Jonny to the priesthood session at the stake center. I was grateful to be feeling well today, since I am keeping up with my medicines. After feeling sick off and on during this past week, I really appreciated having an outing with the family, and being able to enjoy it, too.
Emilee

Friday October 3rd

2008-10-03T18:35:00.001-06:00

Elaine drove me to Salt Lake to see my oncologist today. He wanted to check my blood counts and make sure I am managing my symptoms. At my old oncologist's office, I would first see the doctor, then the nurses would draw blood and do the blood count. They would show it to the doctor and she would decide if I my counts were good enough to have a treatment that day. Also the doctor would decide if I needed a shot or a transfusion to boost my red blood cell count. I'm explaining this because Dr. Shehadeh's office does it the opposite way. My first stop was at their lab room where the nurse drew blood from my port. We had to wait another 20 minutes or so before Dr. Shehadeh came in, but I was really impressed that he had my blood results in his hand and he took the time to look at them carefully and explain them to me. He was very genuine and caring and he reviewed with me the plan for my next cycle. He asked about my pain level (which is under good control with my new patch.) He asked about any other side effects I might be experiencing. I think, as time goes on, I am likingl Dr. Shehadeh more and more. Today I commented to the nurse how grateful I was to have chosen Dr. Shehadeh. Her response surprised me. The nurse said that if she had my same illness, Dr. Shehadeh would be her first choice for an oncologist. Then she mentioned that she had worked with several other doctors before, so she has a way to compare him with the others.

Elaine and I went to lunch on our way back from Salt Lake. We met up with Shelly, Brian's wife, and her new baby, William. Elaine brought me home, then the boys came home from school just a while later. At 3:30 the photographer for the Daily Herald came to get some photos of the children "doing just what they normally do," she said. I convinced the boys to play a board game wtih me, so that gave her an opportunity to photograph all of us together.

I am still having nausea, but I am able to control it by taking my pills regularly. They make me drowsy, more than usual, so I have been sleeping in every morning. I suppose the extra sleep won't hurt me! David and I were going to go out on a date tonight, but two of our boys got in trouble this afternoon, so we are staying in to watch a movie. I'll let you know how it goes.
Emilee

Thursday October 2

2008-10-02T20:48:00.000-06:00

I had nausea again today. I think the effects of the chemotherapy drug are catching up to me. I was careful to use my anti-nausea medications, so I managed not to feel too sick.
This morning, a reporter from the Daily Herald came to my house for an interview. I already knew that the newspaper wanted to do a feature, since the photographer has met me several times to take pictures. The reporter asked me several questions that made me think, for example "Do you ever ask 'why me'? How does your illness affect your family life? Have you spoken with your children about your mortality? Does being LDS help you cope with this challenge? At the end, he asked me what I would say to a woman who is newly diagnosed with breast cancer. He also asked if I had any advice or opinions about women in general who are worried about someday getting breast cancer. He took notes on my answers and it was kind of like a counseling session, since it gave me a chance to express my feelings and talk about my problems.

This evening, we went as a family to Thanksgiving Gardens. We've had a membership there for the past year. My boys and David take turns pushing me in a wheelchair as we looked at the many lush perennials still blooming at this time of year. I love flowers and I love the soothing tranquility of the gardens at sunset. I am glad I felt well enough to go on an outing tonight.
Emilee

Monday October 1st

2008-10-01T20:48:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling sick to my stomach all day long. I threw up once in the morning and again in the afternoon. I am wondering if my nausea is related to the chemotherapy, even though it has been a week since my treatment. Tomorrow I'll have to start on the anti-nausea pills right away, so I don't end up throwing up again.

Elaine came after school and picked up the boys and brought them to her house. I hope they were helpful for her and Len, and it was helpful to me so I could enjoy a nice massage at the chiropractor's office this afternoon (after taking my anti-nausea pills.) The nausea is worse when I stand up and start moving around, so I try to lie down when I start feeling sick.

I am really appreciating the books and movies my neighbors have lent me. I loved the tasty cookies our neighbors brought tonight. They were perfect for our dessert. I am glad that I can get support and friendship from so many people, even the ones who live far away.
Emilee

Tuesday September 30

2008-09-30T16:32:00.000-06:00

I am finally feeling a little better today, after feeling sick all weekend. I had a lot of visitors yesterday and it was fun to see how many people responded to the little wish list I posted on Sunday night. I now have several books to read, movies to watch and treats to hoard. Our family did drive up the canyon after dinner to see the beautiful fall foliage. It made me appreciate the mountains and the beautiful area where I live.

Today I was able to go visiting teaching. We had to wait until the last day of the month so I could feel up to getting out. I am hoping to start feeling better each day until I have a treatment again in 2 weeks. I'm grateful that my boys are happy, doing well in school, and keeping up with their daily routines. Brenton made dinner for us last night. Aren't teenagers great?

The Oprah Winfrey Show today was about breast cancer. Some of the guests on the show told of the need to support each other and not try to be "superwoman." Having cancer has taught me to be humble, to accept more help, to put my family and priorities first, and to accept the Lord's will in my life. We all have lessons to learn in life and some of them cannot be learned in any other way than through our trials. I am grateful for my opportunities to learn and I want to become the person God wants me to be.
Emilee

Monday Sept. 29th

2008-09-29T10:34:00.000-06:00

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Maybe it's because I rested so much on Sunday. My fever has gone down again, but I still have a sore throat and I feel like my bloated abdomen presses on my stomach. This morning I have had several visitors already. Peggy and Janice are my visiting teachers from church. Jenn, my sister-in-law, has already changed my bedding and started my laundry. A photographer from the Daily Herald is here taking photos. She will be following my story for breast cancer awareness month in October. I already got a response from the wish list I posted last night - a new book to read! Even though I get frustrated at being stuck at home, a friend is always willing to help me, like this morning when Nathan had a hole in his pants. She brought him home and I had to mend them.

I want to be awake and around when the boys get home from school at 3:00 PM. I don't know why, but that always seems to be the time my body is calling for a nap. That's why it was helpful to have my parents there after school, to make sure the boys got started on their homework and chores.

David wants to drive up to see the fall colors in AF canyon if I feel up to it tonight. It always depends on how I feel...
Emilee

Later on Sunday

2008-09-28T21:25:00.000-06:00

My fever peaked at 101.1 degrees and has been going down since then. The fever was getting worse as my pain increased, so I am still working at better pain control. I have been thinking about my wish list this week. I would love to borrow some dvds or new release videos that you might have to keep me entertained while the kids are at school. I haven't been out to Blockbuster or the library recently and I miss my LDS fiction novels. I'm a quick reader, so it is not worth it for me to buy myself books, but I do like to borrow them. I guess you can tell I am getting tired of watching cable TV. Every day I hope I will feel well enough to start some of my scrapbooking again.

I also wish I was able to work and contribute toward the financial support of my family. Back in June, I took the Utah Mortgage License exam and signed up as a loan officer with Envision Lending Group. I was hoping to assist David in the business. The financial industry has been going up and down, but I don't know if our family finances are going to survive the waves. I am also interested in being a proof reader or editor, mostly for books. I have a Master's degree in Literature and I have always loved to read, so maybe I can find a free lance job to do in my "spare" time.

The last part of my wish list has to do with food. Since I haven't been doing all the shopping and my stomach has been hurting, I am craving some premium ice cream and European chocolate. Favorite flavors are hazelnut, cheesecake, mint, peanut butter and caramel. My favorite Chinese food is from China Isle, on 500 East, AF. They have the best mango chicken. My most recent favorite salad is shrimp and avocado from Applebee's. I especially love Cafe Rio vegetarian salad, when I am craving something Mexican. Recently I tried out the sushi at Yapona's by Costco. It was great! I'll take any of those, anytime. On Saturday night, David and I tried out the terriyaki at Rumbi Istland Grill. Even my kids like the rice and veggies there. The best thing about that place is that the leftovers taste even better the next day. Wow!

I'm praying for a better week than last.
Emilee